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I’ve talked before about how our childhood impacts our marriage. This continues that theme. This post discusses childhood abuse and neglect. If this topic is difficult for you, please read with care—or skip this one and come back when you’re ready.
Today I listened to a woman talk about her childhood, which was horrible because of what her parents did. After talking matter-of-factly about it, she said, “But they did the best they could,” and moved on.
I have a negative reaction when people do that. I mean, I’m all for giving your parents grace, but usually when people do this, they discount how bad it was and how much it hurt them.
I did a bit of reading on this phrase, looking at how counsellors and therapists feel about it. I saw things such as:
- “I think it gets in the way of healing.”
- “When we can acknowledge something was evil, and has harmed us, we free ourselves to analyse the behaviour and stop doubting and devaluing ourselves.“
- “I call this ‘cheap forgiveness’. Because this process requires so much work, most people opt for cheap forgiveness.“
- “This is denial.“
I saw one person with a horrible childhood say, “My parents did the best they could, AND their choices wounded me.” This is how we should see it. As one therapist said, “True healing requires an honest account of what happened to you, not excuses and justifications for bad behavior.“
Giving our parents an easy pass is understandable. When we were young, we depended on them, and admitting their failures felt dangerous. Beyond that, in abusive and addictive families, kids are taught very early to keep family secrets hidden. And this habit does not vanish when we become adults.
Forgiving does not mean denying reality. If your dad beat you, then he did that. If mom was negligent because she was usually drunk or high, that is reality. If dad expected impossible things and punished you when you inevitably failed, that’s who he was. If mom ignored your stepdad being inappropriate because she was afraid of being alone, that happened. Forgiving does not change the past, and real forgiveness requires acknowledging what needs to be forgiven.
Have you given your parents an easy pass to avoid dealing with what they did? If so, that is impacting your marriage. You probably don’t see the impact, but it’s there. It might be difficulty trusting, repeating what your parents did, being emotionally unavailable, or overreacting to certain behaviours.
~ This is Paul, and our past influences how we Do Marriage.
I’ve been working on the loft stairs, which has allowed Tilly to climb the post into the loft.
Getting back down is more work.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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Agree, though I do lean towards the one part where they still have grace, while acknowledging the wounds. I am aware that my parents were not perfect parents. I know that my dad did things that hurt us and did little to let us know that we were loved. I acknowledge the wounds I carry from my upbringing.
At the same time, I realized long ago that my parents did what they could with the information and experience they had. As I have learned more of the past, I realized that they did better with us than their parents did with them. Their grandparents also seemed to have made the most of what they had learned and experienced and so on so that each generation learns a bit more of what was wrong and course corrects as best they can.
As such, I have taught this to my children. I try to make sure that they know that I am proud of them and love them. I also tell them that I am not perfect, that I have absolutely made mistakes and will have wounded them, sometimes in ways I know about and sometimes in ways of which I am completely unaware. We are each of us part of a fallen race and will all make mistakes and poor decisions. BUT we each of us have the responsibility to learn what we can from the Lord, from His Word, from mentors, from the tools that we now have available that our forefathers didn’t have, etc. and to do better.
My parents were not perfect. I am not perfect. My children will not be perfect unless the Lord takes us home and translates them to perfect, glorified bodies. We each must own our imperfections and give grace for others, even as we acknowledge the hurt and wounds so that we can heal and grow.
Hi Paul,
First of all, thank you for all you do, all you share, & your posts. You have helped our marriage, & helped me grow as a husband and a man.
Second of all, I have been wanting to donate to your site, but as an injury forced semi-retired contractor, have not had a steady income for over 3 years, however, the bills have been steady.
Third, & hopefully benificial to you, I am 56, and have been in construction (mostly remodel), since the mid 80’s. As I mentioned, you have helped us in your field of expertise, and I would like to offer help in my field if needed. Do you have any questions or challenges before you with your loft project? I have coached many others long distance provided I have good info, pictures, & sometimes a video call.
If there’s anything I can do to help as reciprocation please don’t hesitate to ask.
The new website is still under construction so there’s not much to see there, but I will put it in anyway.
Thank you
Dave
@David Smith – Thanks for the kind words and the offer of help. My son and two other guys who live on our acreage run a three-man construction crew. Along with plenty of additions and repairs, they have built half a dozen homes from the ground up. So I have access to expert help, along with tools most homeowners will never have.
The loft was an afterthought, a way to use attic space. There is no room for a standard staircase, so I’m doing an alternating tread stair. I’ve always wanted to build one of those. It’s as much cabinet making as carpentry, but I spent a couple of years doing cabinet making, so I’m pretty comfortable with it.
We got the loft drywalled before it got too cold (humidity forms ice between the insulation and the roof in the winter). Still need to build pony walls at the edges. On one side that will give me room for my batteries and solar controller. The middle of the loft is only five feet tall. But we have a big arched window, and it will be a great place to sit and read. Or for the grandkids to have a sleepover!