Podcast: https://bit.ly/45bPi0N
Yesterday I talked about giving parents an ‘easy pass.’ Today I want to address a sneakier version of the same thing: being honest about one parent while giving the other a pass.
If your parents were divorced, you might have done this. Especially if you rarely saw one parent. You told yourself mom was horrible, and the divorce was all her fault, while idolising your dad, who you didn’t see for several years.
If one parent was clearly abusive, you may be honest about that parent while telling yourself the other parent was great. You may even see the small ways they tried to protect you as brave and proof they were caring. But if you were being neglected or abused and the other parent let it continue, that other parent failed you horribly.
You may wonder why I am pushing this. How does it help you to face the fact neither of your parents was what they should have been? Does admitting dad should have left your alcoholic mother to protect you change reality today? Does acknowledging that your mother had to know what dad was doing when he put you to bed at night make it hurt any less?
At first, facing such truths tends to make us feel worse. The lie we have used to make us feel better is gone. How can that be a good thing?
Comfort built on lies is false comfort, and it prevents growth and genuine healing. Perhaps it was all you had when you were young. Or maybe you could not deal with the truth then. But today you’re an adult with more strength, self-determination, and better resources. Identify the lies of the past and set them aside so you can become free.
As you confront the lies from your childhood, share them with your spouse. Choose a calm moment and say something like, “I’ve been processing some things about my childhood. I’d like to share what I’m learning.” This will help them better understand you. It might also help them face lies from their past.
~ This is Paul, and even when it’s difficult, the truth sets us free.
This is from last year:
But worth seeing!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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