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One of the problems with saying your parents “did as well as they could” is that it may not be true.
Did they get help? Did they fight their urges and addictions? If they hid how they treated their children or each other, then they knew what they were doing was unacceptable. If they were better people in public than at home, that proves they could do better when they thought they had to.
It’s all well and good to give some grace because of the bad things our parents dealt with in their lives. But that does not make it okay to fail as a parent, and it certainly does not change the way it hurt you.
Perhaps the most dangerous aspect of “They did as well as they could” is it can become an easy excuse for us. We think, “Look at what I have been through! I’ve had it rough. And I’m better to my spouse and kids than my parents ever were. I’m doing the best I can!“
Growth means doing better. And we can’t do better if we are already doing the best we can. Saying “I can do better” is admitting you’re not doing the best you can. That’s not a comfortable thing to acknowledge, but it’s the only way forward. Don’t let this lead to shame: admitting the situation is a solid start.
Often part of doing better is getting help. That could be reading a book, attending a class, asking a friend for help, or getting professional help. Sometimes it’s telling your spouse or a friend what you want to change and asking them to nudge you when they see you miss your goal.
Pushing yourself can be difficult. Admitting that your parents could have done better, that they should have done better, is a huge step in the right direction. You are setting yourself free from lies and limits and looking down a path that leads to being and doing better.
~ This is Paul, and working to do better is Doing Marriage Well.
My phone shows me an image from the past every day. This was what I got today.
That’s from 16 years ago, when we had way too much fun cleaning the chimney on our wood stove.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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Again a very good post. Only a couple of points I would want to clarify (including my own comment from the other day). One is that when I say that I am doing the best I can, I do not mean the best I will ever be able to do. I mean the best I can where I am, with what I have. Ideally, as I learn and grow, that best I can will also grow and improve. So that the best I can do today is better than the best I could do a year ago, or maybe even last week. We should always strive to learn, grow, and push that boundary of “best” to just a little better still.
Secondly, can we ever have too much fun with our spouse? 😁 I know, that was tongue in cheek and so is my question. I love when I see couples doing a mundane or tedious task together and making it fun! Even better when that couple is me and my wife!