Podcast: https://bit.ly/45bPi0N
Sometimes parents are doing their best, and it’s still not enough. So let’s talk about that.
We could have been injured by parents who legitimately were doing the best they could, given the circumstances. It’s tempting to think we should not have problems from that or should be able to just “get over it”. But it doesn’t work that way.
So let’s look at some examples:
If you were raised by a single mother or low-income parents, they may have had to work multiple jobs and many hours to make ends meet. They worked hard to provide you with food and shelter, and good for them. But you didn’t get as much time with them as you needed. While this was unavoidable, it can cause attachment issues, leading to avoidant or anxious attachment styles. Your parents did their best, but you could still be struggling with the effects of their always working.
Perhaps you had a parent who suffered from depression or a chronic illness. They managed to do what you minimally needed, and given their situation, they are to be praised for pushing themselves to do that much. But you needed more. You became self-sufficient too young, which can lead to hyperindependence. Hyperindependence causes people to rely solely on themselves. This can be a problem when such a person gets married, as their spouse may feel untrusted or unneeded.
If you had a sibling with significant health issues, your parents rightly gave more time and attention to that child. You understand that today and may well have understood it as a child. But you were shortchanged. Children from such families have a unique mix of positive and negative traits, with attachment issues and hyperindependence both being possible.
Or perhaps you were a special needs child and your parent didn’t know what to do. Maybe there was no help from schools. Maybe you went undiagnosed for many years. Some gifted children fit in this category; if there were no programs for them, they suffered. If your parents didn’t understand, they couldn’t give you what you needed regardless of how much they wanted to do so.
Another issue is being raised by a single parent of the opposite sex than you. This one is not usually as bad as the other things I’ve mentioned, but you missed some things other kids got. Being raised by a single parent of the same sex also cheats you.
Sometimes the best that can be done is not enough. There is no blame to put on parents who did their best, but at the same time you may have been injured. It’s okay to acknowledge the injury and why it happened. Doing that is an important step to getting healthy.
If you’re reading this and realising you’re the parent in one of these scenarios, let me say this: you’re doing hard, important work. It’s okay to acknowledge that your kids may need more than you can give. If you can find ways to supplement, such as relatives, mentors, or church community, do it. And when they’re older, be willing to hear how your limitations affected them.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that our past affects our present, and dealing with our past improves our future.
Saw this at a friend’s house.
This is why they are my friends!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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