Podcast: https://bit.ly/3NtZeg8

I want to examine how we see our spouse, and how that impacts our marriages.

As a starting place, on Friday I said early on I didn’t think Lori was doing all she could to make our sex life better. Today I realise that was a very wrong assessment. And while I never said that to her, she probably felt it. Even if she didn’t feel it, my inaccurate belief affected how I treated her, and it hurt our marriage.

My assessment of Lori was based on 1) miscalculating how much what had happened to her had damaged her and 2) overestimating how much she had dealt with it. For years before we married, she wasn’t in a safe place and could not deal with her past. All her energy went to surviving. She put on a brave face, and I wrongly thought that face was very close to the truth.

This is not uncommon. Humans have an amazing capacity to keep going even in horrible circumstances. But every day we do that, it hurts us more. We build up a huge backlog of lies and pain. You can’t deal with that stuff until you feel safe. Lori has often said I gave her a safe place in which to fall apart. I’m glad I did, but I wish I’d had some understanding of what was going to happen. When you drop the brave face, what’s underneath is very broken. As the weight of the truth crushes you, life becomes very difficult. You feel things you have been suppressing, and that makes you feel worse than when you were wearing the mask. It can be crippling. 

Lori had warned me she was a mess and I was going to get hurt. I didn’t listen. I gave what I saw too much weight, and greatly misjudged the situation. It was a mistake that hurt us both a great deal, and slowed healing.

Had I seen her truth, I’d have had far more empathy for her. I’d have denied myself far more, and given her far more time and space.

I would have benefited from someone who had been through it to help me. They could have helped me see the truth. They could have told me to back off. And they could have encouraged me when I got despondent. Of course, had I understood the situation better, I’d have been far less likely to get despondent. 

~ This is Paul, and seeing your spouse accurately is necessary for Doing Marriage Well.

Dog tug-of-war!

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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