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How we see others is greatly influenced by our past. I know how my perception of Lori was been coloured by my relationships with my mother and my high school girlfriend.
My mother was not a warm, caring person. Additionally, she never told me “well done”. I learned after her death she was worried she’d give me a big head!
When Lori and I got married, I was hungry for physical intimacy. Sure, I wanted sex, but I also desired plenty of non-sexual intimacy. I assume this was because I had not had enough of it growing up. If Lori wasn’t feeling it, that hit the wounds from my mother, which resulted in my feeling more upset than if I’d had that kind of closeness as a kid. I was also hungry for words of affirmation from Lori. And again, a lack of that hit me harder than it should have.
Fortunately, Lori has no problem doing these things most of the time. And as I was less starved for them, it was easier to cope when I didn’t get what I needed.
My high school girlfriend was full of drama and was fairly high maintenance. By the time we split up, I’d had my fill of both those things, and they got added to my hard pass list. Lori is neither high maintenance nor a drama queen. Had I not made an effort to avoid those, any hint of either would have been a major problem for me in marriage.
Your past makes you desperately hungry for some things. And it makes it difficult for you to tolerate other things. Both of these can cause problems in your marriage.
If your spouse fails to provide what you hunger for, your frustration and anger will be greater than it should be. This makes you seem unreasonable. That can cause your spouse to dismiss your complaints. Even if they’re willing to work with you on the issue, your angst from the past makes it more difficult to do so.
If your spouse does something you can’t stand in a very small way, you will see it as far more egregious than it is. You will overreact and make claims that don’t make sense. Again, you seem unreasonable, and you give your spouse reason to dismiss what you say and see it as a you problem.
How do you stop letting the past drive your reactions? Start by noticing when your response is disproportionate. If you’re furious over something small, ask yourself, “Is this really about now? Or is it about the past?” Identify the original wound, and then mentally separate your spouse from the person who caused it.
Your spouse is not to blame for what others did to you in the past. When you allow that past to be part of your relationship, you make problems bigger than they should be. You also make them more difficult to resolve.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is easier when your past stops driving your present.
Been working on the alternating tread stairs for the loft.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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This is such a big factor. It is very hard for us to see in ourselves. Those things missing in childhood affect so many hidden wounds that can get triggered by innocent actions of our spouse and others. “The wound may have been touched by me, but it was not caused by me” Tim Ross
The more I contemplate this the more important I think it is. I would estimate 80% of our marital/relational issues have their roots in this. We experienced a trauma and our brain(trying to protect us from future harm)hides it from our memory and creates coping mechanisms to deal with it. Most of it is invisible to us. Then our spouse does something that touches the wound and gets a disproportional response. We can’t explain it because we don’t even know why we reacted so strongly. There is a string of hidden landmines in every marriage. The only solution is for us to learn to understand what is happening with us, then over time we can trace what happened in the past to cause that wound, then we can start the process of healing the wound. But until we can see and feel the wound ourselves it can’t even be healed. The process of self discovery is painful and slow but it is the only way to get the marriage we are created for. God stands ready to heal the wounds, but generally he needs us joining Him in the healing process.
@Roy Zesch – It’s easy to put it on your spouse. So healing starts with us seeing the issue.