Podcast: https://bit.ly/4t5zAie
Another obstacle to seeing our spouse clearly is the very human tendency to assume others are as we are. We expect our spouse to think, feel, and react as we do. If I asked you, you would say this is not what you think, but subconsciously we all do it, and it causes a lot of problems!
Some examples:
Sally gets angry, gets over it, and moves on. But her husband, Bob, is not the same way. It’s not that he holds a grudge; he just can’t walk away from a fight and be okay moments later. And because Sally can let go of things so easily, she has less restraint. She lets Bob have it with both barrels; then she can’t figure out why he is so hurt when she’s fine.
Frank is proactive. He looks for problems so they can be dealt with before they get big. He also looks for ways to assist his wife Nancy before she asks, and sometimes before she is even aware she needs help. This is great, but Nancy is not the same way. She is not lacking in empathy and is happy to address problems or do things for Frank when he asks for help. But Frank is regularly upset because Nancy doesn’t see his needs on her own.
Joe was raised in a family where loud discussions were seen as spirited, and no one took offence. His wife, Amy, rarely heard a raised voice at home, and when she did, it was because someone was extremely upset. When Joe raises his voice, she withdraws, confused about why he is angry. Because of this, Joe feels unable to be himself and is talking less and less with his wife.
None of these differences is about right and wrong. None of the husbands or wives is wrong or unreasonable. Each couple needs to explore the difference. They should discuss how they are and why, and ask each other questions to gain a better understanding.
Understanding the difference and how your spouse is will help. In some situations it’s possible and reasonable for one person to try to be more like the other. Where the difference causes harm, such as talking loud, the loud spouse needs to make a strong effort to change. And the spouse who does not raise their voice needs to offer grace when that fails.
Your spouse is not like you. Often that is a good thing, but sometimes it’s annoying. But it’s always just how they are, not something they are doing to you!
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Tilly, queen of the bed.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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Very good stuff. On that first one I feel like you flipped the script from what is usually described, regarding the genders, and that made it fit our situation better in some ways. In other ways we are more typical. It took a long time for us to work through and around these differences and we are still not that good at it. We are at least more aware of the differences and trying.
One thing that I’ve noticed of late that my somewhat rougher upbringing seems to have done that is positive is pretty much what the first illustration describes but more typical is that we tend to let things go and move on sooner. There was one hurt that I carried for a long time, not because I was holding a grudge but because she had essentially dismissed my hurt. It was significant and cut deeply and she refused to acknowledge that what she had done had hurt me. The closest I got, once, when I mentioned it during a conversation that was supposed to be us opening up about what was hurting us and being open and candid, was her saying that I would never let her live it down. No acknowledgment that I had been hurt. No, “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” Just, “…and you’ll never let me live that down.” It was the last time I mentioned it. Obviously, that one still hurts but I file it away along with the aches and pains that are accumulating with age. Just one more thing to acknowledge as being there and then ignore.
That’s the only thing I can think of that isn’t an ongoing problem that I couldn’t just shrug off and let it go. I recently learned that it’s a common trait among my siblings.
My wife has forgotten nothing and will tell me that she is trying to let things go but it clearly is a struggle her and different things that I have long since acknowledged to have been wrong/hurtful and apologized for periodically pop back up in conversation. She will say, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to keep dredging up the past and I don’t want you to live there, but…”
But my family does tend to be loud and speak their minds and she can’t handle the volume. Since my concussion some years back, even I struggle with the noise level at times. Her family can be loud at times, too, but I think mine is louder still. So we visit mine for a few hours and retreat to recover in the quiet of our home. With her family we sometimes stay days at a time, since they are too far away to just retreat home, and we seem to be fine.
It’s a work in progress but we are learning and adapting still. I didn’t mean for this to turn into a rant or an unburdening of my heart. Sorry if this is too much.
@Pa’dam – Sounds like you and your wife are often advisaries. I’m so sorry.
Thank you. We are less often adversaries than we once were and it is gradually getting better.
@Pa’dam – Progress can be slow. Glad you are moving the right direction.