Podcast: https://bit.ly/46f8IlR
I have a growing list of bits that don’t fill out a week, so I’m doing potpourri this week. Today I want to give you a situation and how it would best be addressed.
Sam is using media that Chris finds inappropriate. It might be something being read or something being watched. So Chris brings it up, saying, “I wish you would not read or watch that; it seems inappropriate.”
Because this can occur in both directions, I used two names that can be applied to both men and women. The problematic media could be romance novels, magazines with near nudity, a TV-MA series, or beefcake on Pinterest.
The normal reaction for most of us when accused in this way is to be defensive. “It’s not that big a deal. You’re overreacting.” And then the fight starts.
What if Sam reacted differently, saying, “I’m so sorry. Since it bothers you, I will stop.”
Are you wondering, “What if Chris is overreacting?” It’s certainly possible he or she is overreacting. Is Chris simply allowed to veto anything? Does Sam have no say?
In my example, Sam is putting his or her spouse’s feelings ahead of what they feel they’re entitled to. But that should not be the end of it. The next statement could be “I’m going to pray about it for a few days, and then we can discuss it. But be assured I won’t be looking at it during that time.”
Sam demonstrates that he or she cares about Chris and Chris’ feelings by immediately giving up whatever. This is loving and reassuring. It provides a short-term fix and takes the heat out of the situation.
When they follow up, Sam should start by asking why Chris feels the media is unacceptable. Then Sam can counter with how they feel about it. It would be wise to consider the relationship as a whole. Are they less close than they used to be? Are they struggling with sex? Such issues colour how we see the media our spouse is consuming. Perhaps the media is not the real issue. Chris’ concern may be a symptom of a much more important issue that needs to be discussed.
What if the couple can’t come to an agreement? Asking a respected third party would be one option. If Sam is unwilling to share what s/he has been viewing, that’s telling. If Chris is unwilling to admit a problem with what Sam watches, that is also telling.
Ultimately, I think Sam should come down on the side of not doing something that makes Chris uncomfortable. Better to give up something than to harm the relationship. The only exception would be if Chris is trying to control everything Sam does.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every Sam and Chris.
Every night:
Which is why they get kicked out before we go to sleep!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Or, one of them ends up doing something when the other person isn’t around. That way, the “offended” one doesn’t see it. Just because something makes one of them uncomfortable doesn’t automatically mean it’s wrong. Sometimes the one “offended” simply refuses to look beyond their own biases. I can totally understand not watching media in front of the one that doesn’t like it, and I can respect that. But to totally stop watching it at all, even when they’re not around or unaware? To each their own, I suppose. My point is, doing so doesn’t mean it’s wrong.