Podcast: https://bit.ly/4k5bmAp

You may know the scene from A Few Good Men in which Jack Nicholson’s character says, “You can’t handle the truth!” But here’s what’s worse: many people don’t want to know the truth. What we want is what we believe to be the truth. It’s human nature. And we do it in our marriages, to our detriment.

Jack and Bonny have a fight. Jack tells his buddies about the situation, and they all confirm that he is right and Bonny is being selfish. Meanwhile Bonny is sharing with her girlfriends, all of whom tell her she is right, and Jack is being a jerk. Both convinced the other is wrong, they dig in and the issue can’t be resolved.

Some folks up the ante, seeking an “expert” who will tell them they are right. Years ago Lori and I were one of four couples in our church who worked with marriages. In less than two weeks, the same person visited all four of us about their marriage. When our initial reaction was not “Your spouse is horrible,” they moved on to the next couple. They didn’t want help; they wanted someone to tell their spouse, “You’re wrong; shape up.”

I totally get it. I don’t like being wrong! Wanting the truth is rare. It takes courage and humility to risk learning we are wrong. This seems especially true in marriages where the stakes feel so high. In addition to that, there is the matter of pride.

Let me give you a different perspective to try. Fairly often both you and your spouse are wrong about something. At best, you each have part of the truth mixed with misperception, assumption, or self-justification. And sometimes neither of you has found any of the truth about the situation. It’s entirely possible you are both being selfish about a situation, just in different ways.

If you can look at disagreements in this way, then you can see past your truth vs. their truth and look for THE truth. A good way to do this is to start by asking where you are wrong. Not if, but where. Pray about it. Ask a trusted friend where you are wrong in the situation.

Now for the hard part: when you see a way in which you were wrong, confess that to your spouse. Don’t also share the part you think you got right, as that will diminish what you are doing. Focus on how you realise you were wrong.

If you think you can’t admit you were wrong because your spouse will use it against you, you have a way bigger problem than whatever your latest disagreement is about, and you probably need third-party help ASAP.

What I’m suggesting here can be both difficult and scary. But it can radically change arguments and disagreements for the better. Give it a try and enjoy the freedom and intimacy that comes from pursuing truth together.

~ This is Paul, and asking God how you are wrong is Doing Marriage Well.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.