Podcast: https://bit.ly/4k7FOK4
I recently saw an article entitled “Forget what porn taught you, this is what women really want in bed.”
I didn’t read the article. While I agree with the first half of the title, the second half is problematic.
It’s true that most of what is shown in porn has no connection with what real women want in bed. Likewise for the sex you see in movies and TV shows. It seems some of the directors lack a basic understanding of human anatomy. Romance novels are also reality-challenged, providing women with an example that they will never find with a real man.
But unrealistic portrayals are only half the issue. The other half? The assumption that women (or men) are interchangeable. Men and women are unique individuals, and this is especially true when you look at sexuality. One woman only wants sex in a certain position, while another hates that position. Some find nipple play a fantastic form of foreplay, while others get nothing from it, and some find it distracting or annoying. Men may be slightly more similar to each other, but there are still significant preferences, likes, and dislikes.
There is no universal “what women want in bed” playlist, and searching for such a thing is a fool’s errand.
Books and blogs can give you ideas to try, and that can be useful. Just see it as a list of possibilities to be vetted. It can be a helpful way to start exploring.
The goal is to learn what your unique husband or wife enjoys sexually. But that may not be easy, as they may not know! If you had never tasted food and I asked you what you wanted to eat, you would have no idea. After trying a few things, you could say which you liked, which you liked a lot, and which you did not enjoy. But there are a great many foods out there! You can often guess if you will enjoy a dish based on its similarity with other things you have eaten, but sometimes a dish surprises you.
A great sex life is a lifelong journey of exploration, not a destination.
Two bits of advice for the journey.
First, work to dump your preconceived ideas and legalistic rules you may have been taught. Your sex life is between the two of you and God. No one else gets a say. If you both enjoy a sex act, then it’s a good thing for your marriage bed. The Bible puts no limits on a couple’s sex life as long as it remains between the two of them and causes no harm.
Second, because it is easier to make sex good for men, her preferences should be given more weight than his. For example, for her, the difference between two positions can be having or not having an orgasm, or being or not being sore the next day. For him, the difference is how much he enjoys it. His preferences certainly matter, but making sex good for both of you is a bigger priority.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is a process.
Play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play!!!!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
