by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 27, 2026 | Dog&Cat
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3MNvo6o
Saying men and women are as different as dogs and cats certainly applies to sex. The differences in male and female sexuality go way beyond the physical differences in our bodies. Unfortunately, there is a move to deny this reality, which just makes things all the more confusing for couples. There are almost always exceptions, but when the vast majority of men or women experience something differently than the other sex, it’s relevant. So let’s discuss a few of those things.
As I said Monday, we expect our spouse to be as we are. If she intentionally walked past him less than fully dressed, he’d see it as an irresistible invitation. So he does the same with her, and is disappointed it doesn’t get her going. He wonders if she no longer finds him attractive.
A major difference is that men tend to experience spontaneous desire, while most women usually experience responsive desire. I recently read a great analogy for this. For men, desire is like feeling hunger. For women, most of the time, it’s like walking into the supermarket, smelling bread, and realising you want to eat.
Society has told us women are just like men on this, which is a big lie. This lie causes husbands to think their wives don’t like them and causes women to think there is something wrong with them. Experts say 75% of women in long-term relationships don’t experience spontaneous desire. So not every woman, but a solid majority.
Once desire is sparked, we encounter the second hurdle: how fast men and women can climax. Most men could easily go from fully dressed to afterglow in five minutes. Generally guys want sex to last a lot longer than that, but fast or slow is a choice they can make. Women need far longer. Most women need at least half an hour, and many much more than that. I’ve heard more than one woman say it’s not fair, and that they are jealous of men’s ability to orgasm so easily. Some just give up, either having sex just for him, or not at all.
The bottom line is that men and women are different in many areas, and especially so when it comes to sex. Denying or trying to change this reality will lead to frustration and anger, not better sex.
~ This is Paul, and knowing the truth helps you Do Sex Well.
_
Your sword, Sir Knight.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 26, 2026 | Dog&Cat
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4rzac31
How we see ourselves and the world differs by gender.
BEING SUCCESSFUL:
Women are more likely to judge themselves on their ability to be caregivers; men focus on their ability to provide. One study found that 30% of the women but just 7% of the men wanted to work less than full time at their ideal job. And men are more likely to find happiness and satisfaction in their work.
Because providing is so important to them, men suffer more depression and health consequences from being out of work. Likewise for being underemployed or poorly paid. Additionally, being unemployed or underemployed is a big sex killer for men, much more so than for women.
AGGRESSION:
Women express aggression verbally, while men show aggression through actions. There’s a biological reason for this: the male aggression pathway is closely connected to the areas responsible for physical strength, while the female aggression pathway is closer to the verbal functioning area.
This can have problematic effects on how couples interact. If she gets verbally aggressive, he may shut down. His brain is not urging him to yell back at her; it’s urging him to push back physically. He backs away because he is frightened by feeling physically aggressive. If his withdrawal angers her and she verbally attacks all the more, that creates a vicious cycle. Please note I do not share this to justify or excuse abuse. I’m explaining why non-abusive men may shut down during an argument.
EXTREMES:
Men see the world as more black and white than women do. This makes men more “decisive”, but also more likely to miss mitigating details.
Men are generally more open to risk and to greater risk. This can turn out well or badly, depending on the risk and the situation. It is also a common place where husband and wife disagree strongly.
A huge Australian study found that “men were much more likely than women to be at the extreme ends of the behavioural spectrum, either acting very selfishly or very altruistically, very trusting or very distrusting, very fair or very unfair, very risky or very risk-averse and were either very short-term or very long-term focused.“
None of these things is inherently good or bad. All are helpful in some situations, and all can be a problem. If a couple understands these tendencies, they can make better choices as a couple than either of them can make alone. It’s not always easy, but it’s usually better!
~ This is Paul, and men and women are different in so many ways!
Mom went out without me!
Who will keep her safe?
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 25, 2026 | Dog&Cat
Podcast: https://paulb5d.podbean.com/e/when-fine-isnt-fine-untangling-couple-talk/?token=b89a20a0298f5cf972b05263bb6f4b14
I find that many couples are two people separated by a common language. This has certainly been an issue for Lori and me.
Most recently, forty years into our marriage, we found we had different understandings of the word “disdain”. She saw it as harsher than I did. So when she used it, I understood the situation she was describing as less bad than she thought it was.
It’s not just Lori and me; research shows that many common phrases are heard through a different filter depending on who is listening. “Bury the hatchet” means winning or defeat for men, while women associate it with empathy and friendship. And 51% of women think “with all due respect” is a negative comment, while 68% of men hear it as a positive one.
Then there’s the word ‘fine’. Women do use it to express true satisfaction, but in relationship conflicts it may mean the opposite. Men, however, generally take the word at face value. So she says ‘fine’ to indicate something is not okay, and he hears it’s all good! The phrase “I’m fine” is the same way. Gentlemen, when she says she’s fine, there’s a good chance she is not!
Beyond individual words and phrases, we use language differently, and much of that falls on gender lines.
Women try to avoid conflict and offending others. So even when she is set on something, she will tend to hedge. So “I think we should do such and such; what do you think?” is not really fishing for a different way to go. A man states what he thinks as the way to act, assuming anyone who feels differently will speak up.
If your wife says, “Do you think we should whatever?” she’s probably not actually asking a question; it’s more likely she is making a suggestion, request, or demand. Similarly, she may comment on something when she wants you to act on what she says. “The grass is getting long” is an example.
Men tend to challenge what others say. Women often see this as confrontational or disrespectful, but that’s not how men mean it. If an idea is worthy, then it can survive being examined and challenged. If he challenges and you back off, what that communicates to him is that you realised it wasn’t a great idea.
How we listen is another issue. A study found that when women say “Uh-huh” or nod their head, they are indicating they are listening. Men see these things as agreeing with what is being said. You can see how this difference could easily go wrong.
Do you see how any of these has caused complications in communicating with your spouse?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Language Well looks different for every person.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 24, 2026 | Dog&Cat
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Oz1MtU
Years ago I asked my wife, who is rather tidy, why she didn’t dust the top of the refrigerator. She answered, “Because I can’t see it“. It’s an obvious reason, but I had never considered it. I mean, I know I’m nine inches taller than she is, but I didn’t understand the reality of what that means. This shows us how powerful our perspective is, and how difficult it can be to register, much less understand, another person’s perspective.
If you’re taller, be aware that you can see and reach things your spouse can’t see and may not be able to reach without a stool. If they need to be able to get to something, don’t put it out of their reach!
You and your spouse have a variety of physical differences. Many of these tend to fall on either side of the gender line, but there are exceptions both ways. Some couples are pretty much the same height, and in rare marriages the wife is taller by more than a bit.
Let’s look at a few physical differences, and how they may play out.
Men generally have significantly greater upper body strength. My daughter-in-law is half my age, but from time to time she shows up at our door and hands me a jar she can’t open. I think a lot of men don’t appreciate how much difference there is in strength. This can cause them to expect their wives to do tasks that are far more difficult for them than he realises.
Prior to perimenopause, men generally run warmer and feel warmer than women. Making the house cool enough for him means it’s cold for her. Making it warm enough for her makes it hot for him. As adding layers is easier and more socially acceptable than removing clothing, I’d suggest making him comfortable and having sweaters and afghans around for her. (The exception, men, is the bedroom when you’re having sex!)
A 2012 study found that women have a more distinct colour awareness than men and are better able to differentiate between hues of colour. This is accompanied by a broader colour vocabulary. In other words, colour matters more to her than him because she sees more than he does.
Most women have a much better sense of smell than most men. And this is even truer when she is ovulating or pregnant. Here I suggest you go with her. If something smells bad to her, it’s bad. And sir, if you smell bad to her, then you need to do something about that. There are points in some of our lives when multiple showers in a day is Doing Marriage Well!
Eyesight and hearing are not strongly gender linked, but there can be significant differences between you and your spouse. If one of you needs more light, the other should go along. If some sound is annoying or too loud for your spouse, make every reasonable effort to reduce the noise or do it when they are not around.
Understanding and accommodating these differences makes your marriage run more smoothly!
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Apples are on sale, so the freeze dryer is running again.
We still have plenty of veggies from the garden.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 23, 2026 | Dog&Cat
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4tONwgL
Lori and I joke that our cat thinks our dog is an ugly cat, while the dog thinks the cat is a defective dog. This joke is rooted in a reality that has significant implications for marriages: we expect others to be like us.
We expect others to do, think, and feel as we do, think, and feel. We view others through our experiences and perceptions. If you’re a dog, a cat is clearly defective. The climbing thing is kind of cool, but cats are total failures at being dogs. They don’t bark to warn, they can’t dig deep holes, and they’re horrible at chasing a stick and chewing bones!
Unless you work at doing otherwise, you expect your spouse to be a lot like you. And this causes all manner of problems for your marriage. Adding to the difficulty, your spouse expects you to be like them.
The reality is you and your spouse are different – probably very different. Some of that is based on gender, but it goes way beyond that. Personality is a big factor, as it affects how we see and interact with the world. The introvert/extrovert dynamic is a powerful factor, and most couples are one of each.
Family of origin also plays a big role. What was normal in your family seems right to you because it was your norm for the better part of two decades. Most folks don’t question the reality of their family, and finding themselves sharing a life with someone who has a different reality can be jarring.
The vast majority of this is a case of different, not wrong. Even when we accept that, we often see our way as better or more efficient. That may or may not be true for us, but our spouse is a different person, and what works for us may not be at all the best or most efficient for them.
I’ll be looking at this in various ways the rest of the week. Before that, may I suggest you spend some time considering how your spouse differs from you and why that is?
~ This is Paul, and every person looks different
The hoop house is keeping the rosemary safe.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 20, 2026 | Marriage Builder
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4aYPIuC
Today I want to apply some of the ideas I discussed this week to the bedroom.
The Broken Leg Principle: Because we live in a society that is obsessed with sex and awash in sexual misinformation and lies, we all come into marriage sexually crippled. Girls and young women often have it worse than boys and young men, but it cuts both ways.
Many new husbands are angry at their wives for refusing to dance with a broken leg. To be fair, they don’t know she has a broken leg. Women do it too, by ignoring that their man’s actions are a result of his sexually broken places. We are all bound up in some way, and it limits us.
The struggle here is seeing the injuries in our spouse, and some of those injuries are deeply traumatic. The solution is a lot of honest talking. Ladies, tell him about the time a guy kept going when you said stop, and how you feared you were going to be raped. Tell him how powerless you felt, and how thinking about it still makes you feel afraid. Guys, tell her about how a clueless girl teased you into a frenzy, then got mad at you. Tell her how you felt tricked and betrayed.
Splinters & Chunks: Men usually think problems in the bedroom are about sex. That means the solution is a new position, more foreplay, or their wife being more into sex. But most of the time, those things are splinters. The chunks are relationship issues or places where he is failing outside the bedroom. Husband, ask her, “Is there one thing I do (or don’t do) outside the bedroom that makes it harder for you to connect in the bedroom?” Then believe her.
Most women don’t understand how legitimately important sex is to men. If he’s sexually frustrated, that’s a huge chunk, and it makes pretty much everything else seem like a splinter. You disliking this truth doesn’t change it, and being mad at him for how God made him won’t change him. A lot of guys learn to downplay or hide their reality because it just upsets their wife. Imagine for a moment how that makes him feel.
Package Deal: It’s been said men want an angel in the kitchen, a lady in the living room, and a tiger in the bedroom. But those are parts of three different women, and they don’t fit together! Can she learn to be a bit more wild in the bedroom? Possibly. But if you wanted wild, you should have married wild. Of course, if you had married wild, you might not like how that played out in the kitchen or the living room!
Likewise for the ladies. If you were attracted to him because he knows what he wants and goes after it, then you should expect him to be like that in the bedroom. If you liked how gentle he was, then don’t complain he is too passive sexually.
Comparing: This is never a good idea, and it’s a really bad idea when it comes to sex. The curating of sex lives is generally extreme, often with outright lies tacked on. And what media shows us is even worse. Stop looking for someone who has what you want in bed, and work with your spouse to create a sex life that you both enjoy.
~ This is Paul, and seeing your spouse clearly helps you Do Sex Well.
Snow has returned…
… and Widget loves it!
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