Podcast: https://bit.ly/4anWgmv
Yesterday we discussed being honest about where your spouse is falling short. Today we’re going to look at being honest about our own broken places.
There are two common errors: being too hard on ourselves, and being too easy on ourselves. Both errors limit growth.
Being too hard on ourselves results in discouragement, which kills our motivation to work on the issue. Beating ourselves up for our failures takes energy we should apply to changing. Give yourself grace, while also pushing yourself to do better.
On the other side, it’s easy to come up with reasons to give ourself a pass. It might be because of how we got hurt in the past. It might be that we are just too busy. It could be how our spouse has treated us recently. Or we might see what we’re doing poorly as far less of an issue than what our spouse is doing wrong.
None of those things makes it okay to hurt or neglect your spouse. And none of it excuses selfishness. Understanding why we do things can help us stop doing them, so figuring out why does have value. Of course, sometimes it’s just a bad habit.
What things most bother your spouse? There are some things that would be a problem for pretty much any spouse. But there’s a great deal of individuality here. I do things that would be a big deal to most women, but are a minor or non-issue for Lori and she does things that would not bother most men that bother me.
Beyond that, there’s the issue of degree. And again, that will vary from one person to another. Socks not making it to the hamper is a minor thing for one wife, and a really big deal for another. One husband doesn’t mind being late once in a while because of his wife, while another sees it as a serious problem.
If there are one or two things you do, or don’t do, that are really a problem for your spouse, fixing a dozen other things they see as minor won’t impress them or make them feel better. If you had a dozen splinters and two large chunks of wood in your leg, what would you want taken care of first?
Once you identify that “chunk of wood”, the challenge is making the change. If you have a history of making changes, then saying you’re working on something can bring hope. If you don’t have such a history, or have a history of saying you will change and then not doing so, words are cheap at best and may be painful. Better to let your actions speak for you.
Along similar lines, making a change is good, but making a change and sticking with it is what counts. If you have a pattern of change that doesn’t last, you’re going to have to walk in the change for a while before your spouse accepts it as real.
~ This is Paul, and working on the things that bother your spouse is Doing Marriage Well.
From the good ol’ days when we had a proper coffee place!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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