Podcast: https://bit.ly/4aYPIuC
Today I want to apply some of the ideas I discussed this week to the bedroom.
The Broken Leg Principle: Because we live in a society that is obsessed with sex and awash in sexual misinformation and lies, we all come into marriage sexually crippled. Girls and young women often have it worse than boys and young men, but it cuts both ways.
Many new husbands are angry at their wives for refusing to dance with a broken leg. To be fair, they don’t know she has a broken leg. Women do it too, by ignoring that their man’s actions are a result of his sexually broken places. We are all bound up in some way, and it limits us.
The struggle here is seeing the injuries in our spouse, and some of those injuries are deeply traumatic. The solution is a lot of honest talking. Ladies, tell him about the time a guy kept going when you said stop, and how you feared you were going to be raped. Tell him how powerless you felt, and how thinking about it still makes you feel afraid. Guys, tell her about how a clueless girl teased you into a frenzy, then got mad at you. Tell her how you felt tricked and betrayed.
Splinters & Chunks: Men usually think problems in the bedroom are about sex. That means the solution is a new position, more foreplay, or their wife being more into sex. But most of the time, those things are splinters. The chunks are relationship issues or places where he is failing outside the bedroom. Husband, ask her, “Is there one thing I do (or don’t do) outside the bedroom that makes it harder for you to connect in the bedroom?” Then believe her.
Most women don’t understand how legitimately important sex is to men. If he’s sexually frustrated, that’s a huge chunk, and it makes pretty much everything else seem like a splinter. You disliking this truth doesn’t change it, and being mad at him for how God made him won’t change him. A lot of guys learn to downplay or hide their reality because it just upsets their wife. Imagine for a moment how that makes him feel.
Package Deal: It’s been said men want an angel in the kitchen, a lady in the living room, and a tiger in the bedroom. But those are parts of three different women, and they don’t fit together! Can she learn to be a bit more wild in the bedroom? Possibly. But if you wanted wild, you should have married wild. Of course, if you had married wild, you might not like how that played out in the kitchen or the living room!
Likewise for the ladies. If you were attracted to him because he knows what he wants and goes after it, then you should expect him to be like that in the bedroom. If you liked how gentle he was, then don’t complain he is too passive sexually.
Comparing: This is never a good idea, and it’s a really bad idea when it comes to sex. The curating of sex lives is generally extreme, often with outright lies tacked on. And what media shows us is even worse. Stop looking for someone who has what you want in bed, and work with your spouse to create a sex life that you both enjoy.
~ This is Paul, and seeing your spouse clearly helps you Do Sex Well.
Snow has returned…
… and Widget loves it!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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Excellent post. I will add one more scenario regarding the lady’s take on the man’s brokenness. Sometimes she sees that what he thinks and understands of sex comes from a poor resource such as pornography (many having no other source of knowledge before marriage) and she does acknowledge it. But then she sees everything he does as broken, whether it is or not, and uses the fact that he learned from pornography as leverage to refuse normal positions untried or to brand his higher drive as just the result of viewing pornography, and not to be treated as legitimate.
There is logic and reality in that reaction but it opens the door to a whole lot of hurt and rejection.
@Pa’dam It’s a real problem. It’s sloppy on the woman’s part, but understandable. The challenge for the man is that he has no idea what he would desire if he’d never contaminated his mind with porn.
My social media rerun post today covers this issue – https://thexycode.com/2024/02/21/wbw-because-he-saw-it-in-porn/