Podcast: https://paulb5d.podbean.com/e/when-fine-isnt-fine-untangling-couple-talk/?token=b89a20a0298f5cf972b05263bb6f4b14

I find that many couples are two people separated by a common language. This has certainly been an issue for Lori and me.

Most recently, forty years into our marriage, we found we had different understandings of the word “disdain”. She saw it as harsher than I did. So when she used it, I understood the situation she was describing as less bad than she thought it was.

It’s not just Lori and me; research shows that many common phrases are heard through a different filter depending on who is listening. “Bury the hatchet” means winning or defeat for men, while women associate it with empathy and friendship. And 51% of women think “with all due respect” is a negative comment, while 68% of men hear it as a positive one. 

Then there’s the word ‘fine’. Women do use it to express true satisfaction, but in relationship conflicts it may mean the opposite. Men, however, generally take the word at face value. So she says ‘fine’ to indicate something is not okay, and he hears it’s all good! The phrase “I’m fine” is the same way. Gentlemen, when she says she’s fine, there’s a good chance she is not!

Beyond individual words and phrases, we use language differently, and much of that falls on gender lines.

Women try to avoid conflict and offending others. So even when she is set on something, she will tend to hedge. So “I think we should do such and such; what do you think?” is not really fishing for a different way to go. A man states what he thinks as the way to act, assuming anyone who feels differently will speak up.

If your wife says, “Do you think we should whatever?” she’s probably not actually asking a question; it’s more likely she is making a suggestion, request, or demand. Similarly, she may comment on something when she wants you to act on what she says. “The grass is getting long” is an example.

Men tend to challenge what others say. Women often see this as confrontational or disrespectful, but that’s not how men mean it. If an idea is worthy, then it can survive being examined and challenged. If he challenges and you back off, what that communicates to him is that you realised it wasn’t a great idea.

How we listen is another issue. A study found that when women say “Uh-huh” or nod their head, they are indicating they are listening. Men see these things as agreeing with what is being said. You can see how this difference could easily go wrong.

Do you see how any of these has caused complications in communicating with your spouse?

~ This is Paul, and Doing Language Well looks different for every person.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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