by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 19, 2026 | Marriage Builder
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4rOqLHS
One of the biggest marriage traps is comparing your spouse to other husbands or wives. Comparing is the precursor of coveting. And God was concerned enough about coveting that it made His Top Ten list. So yeah, it’s a bad idea.
One of the problems with comparing is you don’t know how life really is for the other couple. You see their curated life, and a curated life will always look better than your reality.
Let me illustrate with a tale, based on a true story
George and Jane have been married for years. Jane has a midlife sexual awakening. She is suddenly all about sex with George, and she lets everyone at church know all about it. Other husbands are jealous of George, and wish their wives were more like Jane. Wives who struggle with sex are jealous of Jane, while wives who want sex to go away find her annoying.
What most folks don’t know is that Jane has more than her share of problems. High maintenance and selfishness are just the start. And as much as George is enjoying all the sex he can handle, it doesn’t make all the other problems go away. As Jane gets worse, George has to make hard choices, which cost him. The story took a tragic turn when Jane decided she wanted to experience sex with another man, and the marriage ended in divorce.
It’s an extreme example, but it makes the point well. Like all women, Jane was a package deal: the good, the bad, and the ugly. And men are the same way. That trait or habit you wish your spouse had is bundled with a lot of other things, including some you would not like. Possibly including some you would hate.
What’s even trickier is that some of what you like about your spouse is rooted in something that also grows something you don’t like. For example, being determined and goal-orientated comes from being strong-willed and persistent. But it can also lead to stubbornness and an inability to adapt. Attention to detail is great, but a tendency to micromanage is the other side of the same coin. Being highly sensitive means deep empathy, which is a blessing to any spouse. But it can also result in being easily overwhelmed or more prone to depression.
Your spouse is a complex person who is both beautiful and broken, and some of the beautiful parts are linked to broken parts. The same is true for all the spouses you wish your spouse were more like.
When you compare your spouse to another man or woman, you are comparing a whole person to an incomplete lie. You see more of the beautiful than the broken in others because we all hide our brokenness, and many hide their spouse’s brokenness.
~ This is Paul, and comparing is not Doing Marriage Well.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 18, 2026 | Marriage Builder
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4anWgmv
Yesterday we discussed being honest about where your spouse is falling short. Today we’re going to look at being honest about our own broken places.
There are two common errors: being too hard on ourselves, and being too easy on ourselves. Both errors limit growth.
Being too hard on ourselves results in discouragement, which kills our motivation to work on the issue. Beating ourselves up for our failures takes energy we should apply to changing. Give yourself grace, while also pushing yourself to do better.
On the other side, it’s easy to come up with reasons to give ourself a pass. It might be because of how we got hurt in the past. It might be that we are just too busy. It could be how our spouse has treated us recently. Or we might see what we’re doing poorly as far less of an issue than what our spouse is doing wrong.
None of those things makes it okay to hurt or neglect your spouse. And none of it excuses selfishness. Understanding why we do things can help us stop doing them, so figuring out why does have value. Of course, sometimes it’s just a bad habit.
What things most bother your spouse? There are some things that would be a problem for pretty much any spouse. But there’s a great deal of individuality here. I do things that would be a big deal to most women, but are a minor or non-issue for Lori and she does things that would not bother most men that bother me.
Beyond that, there’s the issue of degree. And again, that will vary from one person to another. Socks not making it to the hamper is a minor thing for one wife, and a really big deal for another. One husband doesn’t mind being late once in a while because of his wife, while another sees it as a serious problem.
If there are one or two things you do, or don’t do, that are really a problem for your spouse, fixing a dozen other things they see as minor won’t impress them or make them feel better. If you had a dozen splinters and two large chunks of wood in your leg, what would you want taken care of first?
Once you identify that “chunk of wood”, the challenge is making the change. If you have a history of making changes, then saying you’re working on something can bring hope. If you don’t have such a history, or have a history of saying you will change and then not doing so, words are cheap at best and may be painful. Better to let your actions speak for you.
Along similar lines, making a change is good, but making a change and sticking with it is what counts. If you have a pattern of change that doesn’t last, you’re going to have to walk in the change for a while before your spouse accepts it as real.
~ This is Paul, and working on the things that bother your spouse is Doing Marriage Well.
From the good ol’ days when we had a proper coffee place!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 17, 2026 | Marriage Builder, ThePast
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4rf8y6y
Yesterday, I asked you to look at all the ways your spouse blesses you. But I know your spouse isn’t perfect. From time to time they hurt you or let you down. And there may be areas where they fail most of all of the time. And that sucks.
Ignoring the bad won’t make things better. Denying or downplaying the bad won’t help either. You need to be honest with yourself about where your spouse falls short. But being honest goes beyond admitting it’s there.
An important part is understanding where your spouse came from and how they have been hurt. If your spouse had come into marriage with two broken legs, you would not be angry at them for being unable to dance with you. If dancing were important to you, you would be sad about it. But you would not complain or make them feel bad. You would help them as they healed, and only be concerned if they refused to do what healing took.
It’s far more difficult to see our spouse’s emotionally broken places, but those are just as real and limiting as broken legs. And getting angry about things they can’t do, or can’t do well, because of that emotional damage is unfair, unloving, and hurtful.
Beyond accepting that some failings come from brokenness, we need to be able to be honest about any progress our spouse may be making. One challenge here is that they may be growing and doing better in an area that’s not particularly important to us, while making no progress on something we see as critical. Any growth is a good thing. We tend to work on what is easier for us first, moving on to what is more difficult as we get better at healing. And what seems easy to you might not be easy for your spouse.
It’s fair to let your spouse know where you most need them to grow, but make sure you acknowledge the progress they have made before you go there. Having our spouse praise us for any growth is encouraging. Having our growth ignored is discouraging.
It’s important to be able to accurately track growth. We tend to get discouraged when something that was going better falls apart. But growth and healing are rarely linear. Learn to track the high points. Have a few of the last high points been higher than previous high points? If so, there is good, ongoing growth. You can also watch the low points. When you drop to a low point, is it less low than what was common in the past? Again, this is an indication that there is ongoing growth.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
“What’s the password?”
“Woof?”
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 16, 2026 | Marriage Builder
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4cvCqXG
I know last week I was hard, and I know it was not exactly about marriage. I have seen some women treated really badly recently, and I just had to say something. And given that how the world treats women affects wives, it becomes a marriage issue. Enough of that. This week, I’ll give you practical marriage-building posts.
I want to start by urging you to look for the good in your spouse. What does he or she do that helps or blesses you? What do they do that makes your life easier or better?
- Do they do little things like make coffee or get you a snack just because? Or perhaps they find your reading glasses all over the house and pick them up and put them on your desk.
- Do they give a regular flow of positive comments, compliments, and support?
- Do they run interference for you when you’re busy or tired?
- Do they give you a steady diet of loving touch?
- Do they do some of what is “your job” when you have too much on your plate?
- Are they fast to respond when you have a need?
- Do they do for you things most of your friends’ spouses don’t do for them?
Beyond what they do, is any of what they do a bit costly for them? Do they move out of their comfort zone for you?
All too often, we become blind to the things our spouse does for us because they do them all the time. Their blessings become part of the norm, part of what we expect. If you look with fresh eyes, odds are you will see things you have been taking for granted.
Once you see these things, speak out about them. Thank your spouse – regularly. Thank God for your spouse. Brag on on your spouse to others, in front of your spouse. No one likes being taken for granted. Loving acts are not done for thanks, but thanks feels good and makes us want to do more of the same.
~ This is Paul, and seeing the blessings is Doing Marriage Well.
Widget checking in on the turkeys.
The turkeys like her. The roosters, not so much.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 14, 2026 | Men&Women
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3MlQ19z
When I was in high school, most guys talked about women as a collection of body parts that could be used for a guy’s sexual pleasure. They told dirty jokes that stripped women of their humanity and dignity. They bragged about pushing a date to do more than she wanted to do. It was a gross, toxic environment, and I marinated in it for years.
It’s a wonder I can see my wife as a person, especially when she is naked. And looking back, I can see I fell well short of what is right with God when we got married. I felt entitled to sex because she’d said “I do”. I would have angrily denied that back then, but I can see it now. My attitude justified my anger at her for not servicing my sexuality as I thought she should. It was not the only negative sexual message acting on me, but it was certainly there, and it certainly caused problems for us.
Far too many adult men are stuck in high school thinking with regard to how they see sex. We are surrounded by men who feel sexually entitled, from powerful men who believe that sex is theirs to take from any woman they desire to incels who despise all women for being denied the sex they think they deserve just because they have a penis.
I want to talk to you about how this may be affecting your sex life. But first, I want to beg you to look around and get angry about it. Don’t accept it as how things are. God did not make women to be sexual playthings, and it’s not okay that any man sees women that way. Please don’t accept it, and don’t give men who promote the idea a pass. You don’t have to make a big deal about it, but you can make it clear you do not agree and don’t want to hear it.
If you have sons, please work to show them something better than what the world is teaching them about sex and women. Don’t just teach them about consent; teach them women have so much more to offer than just sex. It’s not enough to tell them the truth; you must identify what they hear from other sources as wrong.
As for you, unless you grew up unusually sheltered, you were exposed to a great many unhealthy, sinful, and downright evil thoughts about sex. Being exposed to such things as your sexuality was being formed means they get down in deep. This makes it difficult to see how they may be influencing you years later in your marriage bed.
Your best option is to ask your wife what she sees in you and experiences from you that she doesn’t like. Listen carefully, and don’t get defensive! I’m not saying everything she relates is right, but if it’s a problem for her, then it’s a problem for your sex life regardless of anything else. Once you have heard from her, pray and ask God to help you see the truth.
God created sex as a beautiful, wonderful thing. Humans twisted and perverted it. God’s way is superior in every way. Seek God’s way!
~ This is Paul, and our society does not help us Do Sex Well.
Yes, it says “Rabbit Retribution”.
When we had a house rabbit, it kept him from chewing things he should not.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 13, 2026 | Men&Women
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4qAHa1J
Over on Quora, some guy was asking, “Why do women have it so much better than men in our society?” Most of the answers were from women who disputed his claim in strong terms.
Part of the common morning prayer for Jewish men is “Blessed are You, LORD our God, King of the universe, who has not made me a woman.” Would you say AMEN to that? How many of the men who claim women are better off than men these days would want to be a woman? Probably none.
One of the scary realities of being a woman is that men are stronger than you. Years ago researchers looked at female college athletes and fratboy couch potatoes. They found the guys who didn’t work out had the same lower body strength as the women who trained hard. And they had greater upper body strength. Most men could best most women in a physical challenge. The next time a woman you don’t know treats you like a potential rapist, please see past being offended and think about the reality she deals with every day of her life.
Another place men are often stronger than women is emotionally. I’m not saying women are emotionally weak or silly. What I mean is men tend to be emotionally ‘thicker-skinned’ or harder. We push hard. We go after what we want, regardless of the cost to others. Most women are not emotionally equipped to do that, and those who try get called rude names.
Most women have been run over by a great many men in their lives. What’s really tough is most have been run over more than once by men they love and respect. Including their own husband.
Often the men doing this don’t mean to. They are just treating her the way they treat other men. One of the big lies of our age is that men and women are basically the same. In days gone by, men treated women differently than they treated men. Today we have far less of that, and women get hurt because of it. Listen, husband: even if you have a strong wife who can stand up to you emotionally, it’s not how she prefers to interact.
This is exactly why Peter’s instruction is so vital for us to hear today. When Peter told us women are the weaker vessel, I don’t think he was speaking primarily about our physical strength. Live in an understanding way and show honour doesn’t make sense if he is talking about muscles. He is talking about our drive, our force, our push. We are to understand that our wife is not the same, and we are to honour how God made her.
In the past, I regularly ran over my wife and didn’t even feel the bump. I hate that. And honestly, I still struggle to not do that. I don’t want to do it! How God has made me makes it so easy to do it without intent or awareness.
Do you need to adjust how you deal with your wife to live with her in an understanding way that shows honour?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
And so it starts…
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