by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 31, 2026 | ThePast
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4bUcT8L
One of the tricky things about dealing with the injury done to us when we were children is we sometimes don’t see how it affected us as being bad. Sometimes we see what it made us as good. And you don’t make an effort to change what you think is good.
One common way this happens is when our young selves figure out our parents were not doing what we needed. Raising a child well requires far more than food, shelter, and education. Children need love, support, encouragement, and praise.
There are a lot of reasons kids get short-changed. Maybe you were raised by a single parent who was doing good to keep the kids clothed and fed. Perhaps one or both parents were addicts. Maybe they never dealt with the ways they were messed up by their parents. Or perhaps they were just selfish.
Regardless of why it happens, when six-year-old Chris or eight-year-old Sam realise they can’t count on their parents, they start taking care of themselves. They don’t bother their parents, seeing it as a waste of time. Out of necessity, they become very adept at looking out for, and caring for, themselves.
As adults, such folks are often proud of how self-sufficient and independent they are. But the reality is these people tend to be isolated or detached, and can suffer from stress, burnout, anxiety, or an inability to ask for help. They hide these things well, but they can’t connect as they should because they don’t trust anyone. This hurts their personal relationships, especially marriage.
God says marriage is two people becoming one. If you’re unable to trust your spouse because of your past, you can’t be one. The spouse of someone who is too self-sufficient can feel unneeded or shut out.
This issue is near and not so dear to my heart because both Lori and I have suffered from it. By the grace of God and a lot of determination, we have let each other in to an amazing degree. But we both still had a streak of self-sufficiency. Recently, God gave us a crash-and-burn event that forced both of us to confront our truth. That has resulted in a huge change for both of us, and it feels wonderful. We’re still finding ways it has changed and freed us that we did not expect.
My only regret is it took us so long to get here! But it takes time; it’s a marathon, not a sprint!
If you are self-sufficient because you realised your parents wouldn’t care for you as they should, you are walking wounded, and your marriage is limited. Please realise what you did was a necessary evil in the past but is not what God wanted for you. Calling it a good thing today is wrong, and you need to face that and heal so you can let your spouse in.
~ This is Paul, and you can’t Do Marriage Well if you’re still trying to do it all yourself!
Related Article: How Your Childhood Can Affect Your Marriage | Gottman
So many seedlings!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 30, 2026 | ThePast
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4bZ0WPb
Today I heard about a twenty-seven-year-old man who blames losing his job on his mother’s failures when he was a child.
No.
He’s been an adult for nine years; it’s on him.
I often discuss our current struggles tracking back to things our parents did or did not do when we were growing up. It’s a valid thing, and most of us have at least some places where our past is negatively influencing our present. But the goal of seeing these issues’ roots is not to blame our parents or abdicate our responsibility to deal with the fallout, heal, and change.
Understanding why we behave as we do, and feel what we feel, is an important step to healing. But then it’s our job to do the work. No one is going to give you a pass because of what mom did or dad didn’t do. And this includes your spouse. Your spouse might be more empathetic than most people, but that only goes so far and lasts so long.
For what it’s worth, I know some folks who suffered really horrible things from their parents who have become happy and functional. It was difficult, but they worked at it, and it slowly got better and better.
If you have been unable to get over your past, please, please, please get some help. If you don’t, you will continue to be miserable, and your marriage will suffer. What happened to you was neither right nor fair, but it happened. Now it’s up to you to make it better!
~ This is Paul, and blaming your upbringing is not Doing Marriage Well!
Related Resource: Addressing Our Trauma Stories Within Marriage | The Allender Center
Stopped at a new cafe today, and saw this:
Sounds good to me!
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How Your Childhood Can Affect Your Marriage
by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 27, 2026 | Compromise
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4uSPHQP
It’s Friday, which means we are at the intersection of sex and compromise.
Most couples’ sex lives are a patchwork of compromise, and while they may not be equally unhappy, in most cases both are far from happy about the situation.
In the comments, one of you suggested his wife can’t see sex as a way of blessing him because she sees it as an obligation. I have a lot of sympathy for women who feel that way. It’s a perversion of God’s intent, and it’s usually driven home by abusing scripture.
If a woman came into marriage expecting sex to be a wonderful way to both give and receive love and pleasure with her spouse, she and her husband would be spared this nightmare.
Meanwhile, most men come into marriage with porn-fuelled expectations that don’t make good, healthy, mutually enjoyed sex possible.
It’s no wonder so many couples struggle with sex!
So what’s the answer?
I think the solution is to start agreeing with God about sex.
Does that make you think, “Yeah, if my spouse would just agree with God about sex, we wouldn’t have any problems“?
Unless you’re a very unusual person, your spouse not agreeing with God is only half the problem. The other half, of course, is where you don’t agree with God about sex.
To get you thinking, here’s a short list of how God would have you live out your sex life:
- Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count your spouse as more significant than yourself. Look not only to your own desire, but also to the desire of your spouse. (See Philippians 2:3-4)
- Be quick to offer forgiveness and intentional about seeking it. (See Matthew 5:23-24 & Colossians 3:13)
- If your spouse offends or neglects you sexually, turn the other cheek. (See Matthew 5:39)
- Be naked and not ashamed. (See Genesis 2:25) God made sex and said it was good!
- I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine; s/he enjoys my sexuality. (SS 6:3) Note that grazing is slow and gentle.
- Offer your body and your mind to your spouse so they can both give and receive pleasure. (See 1 Corinthians 7:4)
- Enjoy each other’s bodies, and be intoxicated by the sex you share. (See Proverbs 5:18-19)
- Outdo one another in showing honour. (See Romans 12:10)
If you both do all of those things, the majority of your sexual issues will fall away. Where you struggle to do any of those things shows you an area where you need to ask God to help you change.
~ This is Paul, suggesting compromise is not Doing Sex Well.
Our coffee hangout is upstairs at the local grocery store.
Someone set a wind-up walking chick on a 5-inch beam, and it went out about eight feet. How fun is that?
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 25, 2026 | Compromise
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4d2P013
When I talked on Tuesday about alternatives to compromise, I said that accommodation “should be because the person feels the relationship is more important than the issue at hand” rather than because they are pressured or coerced. I want to explore that in more detail.
Pushing or manipulating your spouse to acquiesce to what you want is obviously wrong. Because of our selfish human nature, most of us do this in small ways from time to time. If it’s a common thing, that’s a problem that is going to eventually cripple or kill a marriage.
But I want to look at a different version of giving in for the wrong reason.
Some folks regularly give in, doing things they don’t want to do, or not doing things they really want to do, because of brokenness. Such folks are sometimes called people-pleasers.
A people-pleaser consistently prioritises others’ needs, wants, and feelings over their own. To some degree this may be done to avoid conflict, but it’s more about preventing rejection. People-pleasing is driven by fear and insecurity.
Initially, being married to a people-pleaser may seem great. You get to do what you want, and you can easily avoid doing things you don’t like. You don’t have to be selfish to make this happen; your spouse goes out of their way to do it. But they don’t do it out of love; they do it out of fear. It’s destructive to them and to your marriage. If it continues, your marriage becomes an empty shell of what it should be.
If you usually get your way without much push to make it happen, you may be married to a people-pleaser. If this is the case, you need to deal with that because your spouse can’t; they don’t have the tools to do so. It’s a deeply ingrained habit reinforced by fear of rejection or loss. They feel they must sacrifice most of what they want to keep your love.
Start with open communication, but don’t expect much at first. Ask your people-pleasing spouse about their hopes, dreams, and desires. Engage any bit they give you, and keep asking. But don’t force it. Look for ways to make it easy for them to express a preference. So instead of asking them where they want to eat, give them several choices. Tell them you’re fine with any of the choices, and it’s up to them. This may still be difficult for your spouse, but it’s easier and safer than suggesting a place without a list.
Become an observer of your spouse. Are they tired or stressed? Do they need a break? Learn when to not even hint you want something, because you know they will say yes even if they should not. They don’t have healthy boundaries, so you need to try to live within where those boundaries should be.
Of course, it’s not just you they try to please. Keep your eyes open so you can step in when others take advantage of your spouse, or your spouse gives in when they should not. This might mean pushing back against those who push your spouse. Or it might mean gently suggesting to your spouse that they should pull back. Help them say no when no is the right answer.
Helping a people-pleasing spouse become a healthy person who can express likes and dislikes will take time, effort, and sacrifice. However, it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give both your spouse and your marriage.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The elk are on the move!
We have a couple of herds that spend the winter lower than us, and the summer higher. We see them twice a year as they migrate. This is a small herd.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 25, 2026 | Counterproductive
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4t71cCI
More on compromise today.
Often, we find ourselves at odds because one or both of us suffer from emotional wounds. The issue of extroversion and introversion I have been discussing is not about brokenness, but it may be exaggerated due to past injury. With other things, our desire for something, or our desire to avoid it, may be mostly or entirely about ways we were hurt long before we met our spouse.
It’s humbling to admit to ourselves that we want what we want because of something that needs healing. It’s especially difficult when we admit that what we want costs our spouse.
You needing something, or needing to avoid it, because of past injury is not bad or wrong. It’s also not selfish, and you should be honest about your feelings instead of just doing what your spouse wants. Admitting why you feel as you do to your spouse is a brave and beneficial thing. It may feel embarrassing. It may feel like it puts you at a disadvantage. But if your spouse won’t use it against you to get what they want, it can make the situation easier.
We can deal with childhood injuries, work through the pain, and find transformation. Telling your spouse that your past is why you want what you want is promising to deal with your injury. There is no guarantee that your desire will do a 180, but if you get healing, it will be easier for you to do or not do whatever.
Actually getting healing can be a difficult task. It means being brutally honest with yourself about our past. That may mean admitting someone was not as nice or caring as you have told yourself. It could also shine a light on something selfish, harmful, or destructive that you did.
Issues like this often come from repeated events that happened over many years. Certain patterns can play out in our young lives, beating us down and creating in us defensiveness, desires, or weaknesses that are not an inherent part of who God made us. But when we get hit the same way over and over, we start to accept that what this creates in us is a fundamental part of who we are. Once we get there, we lose the ability to recognise the behaviour or thinking as alien.
Talking with your spouse may help you expose some of this. But many folks will need a trained third party for that. Story work is a great tool for this, and I recommend the folks at Aldrich Ministries for that.
~ This is Paul, and dealing with your past makes it far easier to Do Marriage Well.
Set out a live trap, as we thought we might have lost some eggs. And today I saw this:
Didn’t catch an egg thief, and egg counts are right. But how did a hen get in there, lay an egg, and get back out only tripping the trap after it was outside?
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 24, 2026 | Compromise
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4rOrXuw
Yesterday, I suggested compromise is not a great thing for marriages. Okay, but what do we do when we want something different than our spouse? We can’t go out together and stay home together on Friday night. Deciding to go out every other Friday seems like a fair compromise, but what if the one who wants to stay home is miserable on the go-out Friday, over and over? What if the one who wants to go out is dying of loneliness?
The compromise is tearing at both of them, and on some level, each blames their spouse for how they feel. But what alternative is there?
Third Alternative: Instead of both parties giving something up, a third alternative tries to discover a solution that satisfies everyone’s needs fully. This is done by looking at the desires expressed and understanding the root needs. The extrovert needs to connect with others, while the introvert is peopled out from a long week at work.
What if the couple went out on a day other than Friday? It’s the worst day for the exhausted introvert. Saturday would be better. Sunday after church could be even better.
The extrovert needs to be with other people. But that can be done without going out. Invite friends in. Establish a regular movie night or game night. Do a full meal, or bring snacks. Being at home makes the situation far easier for the introvert. Or alternate homes, so the introvert is out less often.
If you want to explore this idea more, check out the book, The Third Alternative.
Accommodation: One party willingly gives in to the other’s needs. This should not be pressured or coerced; it should be because the person feels the relationship is more important than the issue at hand.
Accommodation is a sacrifice made by one spouse. It costs them something. But if they see how much it blesses the other, that can help. Accommodation can only work long-term if both spouses do it and if neither of them is keeping score. Accommodating something that really matters to your spouse could equal them accommodating you on several less important things.
When you accommodate, you can set parameters. So you could say, “I want to go out with you tonight, but I really need to head home by 9:30.” Or, “But we need to go somewhere quiet.“
Flexibility: This practice means making different choices each time the issue comes up, based on how you both feel. Alternatively, you could decide the day before if you need planning time. It works well when each spouse is willing to be flexible, and each is aware of the other’s needs.
So the extrovert says, “I know you’ve had a horrible week and don’t want to see anyone until Monday.” The introvert replies, “You’re right, and thank you for understanding. But I know you need to get out. How about dinner and a movie on Saturday?” Perhaps the extrovert accepts this. Or they might say, “Let’s do dinner out and come home for a movie.”
In some ways, this arrangement is a compromise, but it’s not your typical compromise. Each spouse is thinking about what the other needs and trying to accommodate that. Each feels heard and loved, and that goes a long way to feeling good about whatever they end up doing.
By the way, all of these alternatives require emotional maturity. If your spouse is lacking in that, you can try to show the way, but do so knowing most of it will fall on you for the near future.
~ This is Paul, and loving sacrifice is Doing Marriage Well!
Our ducks are back.
I wonder how Widge is going to feel about sharing her pond
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