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Today’s counterproductive issue is criticism. Britannica defines criticism as the act of expressing disapproval and of noting the problems or faults of a person or thing: the act of criticising someone or something. Criticism is like honking your horn at the driver ahead. It might feel satisfying, but it rarely changes their behaviour and could escalate the situation.”
Criticism is often felt as an attack. That might not be intended, but if your spouse receives it as negative, it’s probably counterproductive no matter what your intention. What’s more, calling what you say “constructive criticism” doesn’t magically make it such. Beyond that, sometimes criticism is just picking, which is a bad plan.
When something is a problem for you, it’s necessary to say something. But if it’s received as an attack, that won’t help your situation.
There are several things to consider. First, your heart matters a great deal. This is true both in general and in the moment. If your spouse has not found you to be good-hearted, seeing any criticism as an attack is a natural response. If you’re usually good-hearted but have been grumpy all day, criticism will feel negative.
Beyond you, what about how your spouse has been treated in general? Be it a rough day at work or years of ugly criticism growing up, a predisposition to see criticism as negative may have nothing to do with you.
There are some classic techniques for dealing with criticism well, and they are well worth using:
- Start with Appreciation: Say something positive before addressing a concern. If you have discussed the issue before and it’s better, start with that. Or thank them for some other issue they have dealt with.
- Use “I” Statements: Make it about your feelings rather than their actions. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is messy,” rather than, “You always leave a mess.”
- Be Specific and Clear: Describe the behaviour that is a problem for you. An example can be helpful, but don’t pile on.
- Avoid Generalisations: Saying “always” or “never” is just going to trigger your spouse, causing them to stop listening and start defending.
- Suggest Solutions: Offer actionable ways to improve the situation and express your willingness to support them.
- Pick Your Battles: Not every issue requires criticism. If there are multiple issues, pick one or two, and work on them until they are resolved.
- Reciprocate: Ask, “What would you like me to work on?“
If your marriage has a history of criticism going badly, doing something else will be an uphill battle. But you can get there. One conversation at a time, you can teach your spouse that hearing from you is safe.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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