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Another counterproductive marriage behaviour is nagging.
Nagging is the act of persistently annoying, scolding, or urging someone to complete a task, often characterised by constant, repetitive complaints or fault-finding.
Like the tailgater who can’t make the car ahead go faster, or the driver who speeds up to block someone passing, nagging is another behaviour where our instinct works against our goal. The more you push, the less you get.
Criticism and nagging are similar but distinct enough to warrant separate coverage. As with criticism, nagging can be because of a real problem, or it can be a way of expressing frustration that may have little or nothing to do with what you nag about.
If nagging is how you express that you don’t like the way things are, you need to find a new approach. Proxy grievances don’t make you feel better and won’t bring about the change your marriage needs. But nagging can be the death of your marriage by a thousand cuts.
Some folks learn nagging as a tactic. For others, it’s a habit learned from a parent. Neither of these is good for a marriage.
On the other hand, if what you are nagging about is hurting you or your marriage, then it needs to be dealt with. But if you have been working at that by nagging, your spouse has become immune to the issue.
If you want to see change, you will need to change your approach. The most important change you need to make may be believing you deserve to have the issue resolved. Often nagging carries a good dose of resignation with it
As for approaching your spouse, one option would be to confess you have been nagging and that doing so has been wrong. Say you are going to try to deal with things better moving forward. Then bring up one issue you really want to change. Explain why it’s a problem for you, and what you need to happen.
If you’re on the receiving end of nagging, understand that unless it’s a learned habit, nagging is an indication your spouse is unhappy. What they nag about may seem minor, and it may be unimportant. Nagging is how they express displeasure. Perhaps they don’t know a better way or are afraid to deal with whatever it is head-on. That fear is likely not about you, but it still impacts you.
If you are nagged, please see it as a cry for help. Then work to find out what the real issue might be. It could be your spouse doesn’t feel heard or respected. So make efforts to hear what they say, and do things they want done. If you can’t do something quickly, make a note to do it as soon as you can.
If doing the things your spouse has been nagging about brings no change, the issue is deeper. How was your spouse hurt growing up or in a previous relationship? Are you hitting that wound? Can you reassure them in that area?
If you can’t resolve it, I’d suggest getting some help as a couple. Nagging is not just annoying: it’s a warning sign you should not ignore.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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