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Sexuality is full of counterproductive behaviours, and people seem especially unaware of them. Let me briefly touch on a few:
Word Choice: I think any words you and your spouse agree to use for sexual body parts and sex acts are fine. But many folks have sexual words they dislike or hate. Using a word your spouse dislikes is pushing them away. Undesired words could be slang words or curse words. But there are other words that can be problematic. Most men don’t want to hear their wife talk about their “pee-pee”, and some women are put off by words such as “moist” or “panty”.
Sexual Joking: Not “dirty” jokes, but rather joking about your sex life. If your spouse takes sex seriously, making a joke about it might be a turn-off. And joking about a sexual struggle can feel belittling. Using humour to cover rejection or embarrassment can also be problematic, and making a crack about frequency won’t be well received.
Unexpected Touch: Outside of sexual activity, many women and some men prefer not to be touched in a sexual manner. Reasons for this include past trauma, sensory sensitivity, feeling objectified, or the association of surprise touch with pressure for sex. Regardless of why, if it makes your spouse uncomfortable, that’s bad for your relationship and your sex life.
Unenjoyed Touch: There can be places your spouse does not want touched, even during sex. Or methods of being touched that they dislike. For example, some women find nipple play uncomfortable, annoying, or distracting. For such a woman, attention to the nipples during foreplay is a bad plan. Some men may feel the same way about having their penis touched at certain times during sex, or in certain ways.
After Talk: Asking “Did you climax?” right after sex is upsetting to some women. “How was it?” and other questions may also be unwanted. Few women want a recap, and no one wants to hear, “It would have been better if you had …” Stick to words of love, and discuss the mechanics of sex at another time.
Are you saying or doing things that put your spouse off sex? You might be, and not even know it. If you think it’s safe to discuss it, ask your spouse about it. Otherwise, be aware and look for signs you’re getting the opposite of what you want.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
It didn’t stick, but we got some big flakes of snow.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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