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Yesterday I gave caring for a sick spouse as an example of balancing caring for both others and ourselves. It’s actually a fairly easy case, unless your spouse is all drama and demands when they’re sick.

There are plenty of other places where we need to work on this balance in our marriages, and most of them are far trickier. How we spend money can be such an issue. Other examples would be where we eat or what movie or TV show we watch. This can certainly be an issue in the bedroom, which we will discuss on Friday.

It also comes up in our preferences. He wants coffee and breakfast before being exposed to the news, while she wants to listen to a news channel as the coffee brews. She wants it quiet in the evening, while he needs music to feel good.

Some of these things can be easily resolved; both of the examples I gave are solved with headphones or earbuds. Other issues have no simple fix. If she needs to get out of the house with him on the weekend, and he needs to rest from his week, someone is going to have to sacrifice.

What makes all of this so difficult is we have no easy way to judge how much our spouse needs what they want. Is not getting what they desire annoying, or is it soul-crushing? Will a bit of what they want do the job, or do they need a lot of it?

When my wife needed to go to the ER, I didn’t have to measure her “desire”. I didn’t consider asking if she could wait until the next morning. Similarly, if I knew something was critical to her mental health or sense of well-being, I’d be strongly motivated to make it happen. But if I don’t need the same thing for my mental health or only require a fraction of what she needs, I don’t understand how important it is for her. If I say no because I’m tired, you could say I’m being selfish. But if I can’t judge the need accurately, am I really being selfish? 

The only solution here is a lot of very honest, vulnerable conversation. Talk about what you need, why you need it, and how you feel when you don’t get it. Try to rank various needs if you can. Talk about times and situations when a need is stronger. Don’t fudge; give the real truth. If you don’t speak up, your spouse won’t know what you need, and it will be your fault.

This is not a one-time conversation. Your needs will change as your life changes. Additionally, you may initially misjudge how important some things are. 

~ This is Paul, reminding you that talking helps us Do Marriage Well.

Widget with her favourite toy. It can be used for both keep-away and chasing.

Best of all, it squeaks. When she wants to play, she walks around squeezing it gently, going squeak, squeak, squeak.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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