Podcast: https://bit.ly/40HkMt7
We’ve kicked around what selfishness is, what it isn’t, and why a certain degree of it is necessary. With that as groundwork, let’s move on to discussing selfishness in your marriage.
I think you’ll be surprised by what you hear if you talk about this honestly. Your spouse may not consider you selfish in an area where you think you are. Or they may not see it as being nearly as significant as you see it. On the flip side, they may see you being selfish where you don’t think you are.
As already mentioned, part of the equation is perspective. If you value something more than your spouse knows, they may see selfishness where you see a reasonable request. Dealing with such issues will require a lot of discussion about what you each need and why. Talking about how you feel when what you need is in short supply is important. Also identify what needs you feel can and should be met by others, and which you feel should only or primarily be met by your spouse.
As you talk, please understand there is no one-size-fits-all standard for what we need in any area. A woman of childbearing age needs more than twice as much iron in her diet as her husband. If she only gets what he needs, she will have a variety of problems, including fatigue. Mental and emotional needs are the same way. A husband wouldn’t tell an anaemic wife she’s being selfish for needing iron; we shouldn’t do the same with emotional needs. Expecting your spouse to be okay with the level you need for something is wrong and unloving.
Our history often dictates our “emotional metabolism”. Some of the individual variation is due to what we did and didn’t get growing up. An individual who didn’t receive enough touch might have a massive hunger for it when they get married. On the other hand, a serious lack of something growing up may result in denying the need, for both ourselves and others. Thinking “I don’t need that, so you shouldn’t either” is human nature. But it may be dead wrong. What’s more, we may actually need that thing too!
Being denied in the past can cause us to be unwilling to express our needs. As much as it hurts to not have it, asking for it and not getting it is far, far worse. This can lead to pushing our spouses away. Others get upset the need is being ignored by their spouse, even though they have never expressed it or have significantly downplayed it.
Our upbringing can mess us up in other ways too. Overindulged parents can cause us to see every “want” as a “need”. Some of us were programmed by our childhood to be selfish, and as with anything that was normal growing up, it can be very difficult to see this in ourselves.
Then there’s the issue of thinking we don’t deserve something we need. Perhaps we were told this growing up: neglectful parents tell their children they are selfish and too needy. Or we play the “what have I earned” game, thinking we only deserve what we need from our spouse when we have done a satisfactory job of meeting their needs.
As you can see, there are a lot of mental issues and emotional traps regarding this issue. The more honest you are about which of these you have, the better off you will be. First, you have to admit the issues to yourself and then to your spouse. Next, discuss how to work on the things that keep you from feeling and expressing your needs in a healthy way.
As always, if you get stuck, get trained help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires being vulnerable emotionally. 
Widget is getting in her (round) laps.
There was ice on the pond a few hours ago. She does not care!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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