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So sex and selfishness. This could be a very long post!
It’s pretty common for a husband and wife to each think the other is sexually selfish. As with other forms of selfishness, a big factor is not understanding what the other spouse wants and needs.
When both spouses can affirm and value the sexual needs of the other, sex is far easier. Please understand that not wanting sex at certain times is a valid need. Likewise for not wanting to ever do certain things sexually.
Wanting to make love with our spouse is a very valid need. It is both healthy and biblical. What’s more, it’s necessary for an emotionally strong marriage. Beyond that, most men can’t feel emotionally connected when sex is too infrequent. For such men, sex is the doorway to emotional connection. High-drive wives feel much the same way.
On the other side, there are times when having sex can be emotionally painful for someone. Past abuse is a big one, and it can suddenly rear up and cause problems. This can happen after not having had a problem for a long time. Not all triggers are obvious, and some don’t always cause issues.
Not having had enough emotional contact with our spouse can make having sex difficult or emotionally harmful. This issue is not limited to women; I’ve talked to men who feel this way. This includes some men whose wives do not feel the same way; she wants sex to reconnect, and he can’t face sex until they reconnect.
Not wanting to engage in specific acts or positions is a valid need. Not wanting to wear certain lingerie or use a sex toy are both valid needs.
These valid needs are often clouded by the stories we tell ourselves about the opposite sex.
Men tell each other that women use sex to manipulate men. Sure, some women do this, but if you buy the lie, you start to see it when it’s not there. You dismiss valid concerns and needs as control. You hurt your wife by pushing her for sex because you think she’s just being selfish, when she is really trying to protect herself.
And women tell each other that men are all selfish pigs about sex. They dismiss the validity of men’s physical and emotional sex drives. Again, there are sexually selfish men. But when you buy the lie that such men are the norm, you see what you expect to see. This wrongs your husband and hurts your marriage.
The answer, again, is communication. The problem, of course, is most couples have a very difficult time talking about sex. Sex puts embarrassment on top of all the emotions of discussing needs. But if you don’t talk about it, it won’t get better, and it will almost certainly get worse. A trained third party is also a challenging thing to face, but for some it’s the way to go.
~ This is Paul, and accepting your spouse’s sexual needs is the first step to Doing Sex Well.
We’ve got deer, yes we do. We’ve got deer; how ’bout you?
We’ve got more, we’ve got more, we’ve got more, we’ve got more, we’ve got more!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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