Podcast: https://bit.ly/3PUi1lO
This week I want to talk about compromise. I mentioned compromise in a post last week, and someone said, “They say that a good compromise leaves both parties feeling slightly dissatisfied.” Other forms of this read “Equally unhappy“. The implication is that equal unhappiness signifies fairness.
I looked at some online discussion of this quote and found many saying that if one side is happy, it is probably not a fair deal. It seems dissatisfaction is the marker of an equal, non-manipulative, and well-negotiated compromise.
Am I the only one who finds that horrible? How is being equally unhappy a good thing?
Besides, how do we measure unhappiness and determine it’s the same for both folks? Giving up certain things will be far more costly and distressing for your spouse than it would be if you gave up the same thing. Who can fairly judge how much it displeases us to give up what we sacrifice in a compromise? Beyond that, odds are one of you deals with disappointment better than the other. To be equally unhappy, one person would have to give up far more. Is that somehow fair?
What if one spouse is manipulative? They could make a lot of noise about what the compromise is costing them, exaggerating their unhappiness to game the system.
It seems to me that compromise is a horrible way of dealing with differing needs. Do we all do it because we have been taught that it’s the “right” way to deal with differences? Or do we do it because, as bad as it is, it’s better than any other option?
I hope to offer you better ways to deal with wanting different things.
~ This is Paul, and what if compromise is Not Doing Marriage Well?
Widget found new puddles on the back of the property.
And like a kid, she had to jump in every last one!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
“ Do we all do it because we have been taught that it’s the “right” way to deal with differences? Or do we do it because, as bad as it is, it’s better than any other option?”
I would say that it is the latter. We have yet to find a better way in our relationship. I would love it to become the sort of contest Jay Dee describes, where each tries to out bless and out serve the other. I certainly do try. Until my wife reaches the point where her mindset matches, however, I feel that will be somewhat difficult.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think she does it from a place of selfishness. She simply doesn’t see some of my greater needs, sex being foremost, as a way to bless. She still sees it as an obligation to be met rather than an opportunity to bless. So, in a sense, she is serving as well as she can with that mindset and I see and appreciate that. While I know that a change in perspective and mindset can make a huge difference there, I cannot give her that change or expect the results that would come with it. So I try to appreciate what she can give at this time, even if it leaves me hurting and struggling. I know it is the best she has to offer at this time.
@ Pa’dam “She still sees it as an obligation to be met rather than an opportunity to bless. ”
I get it. What is frustrating is that she cannot see it as both. If she could, then she could move from one to the other.
Man, I can totally identify with this. It’s the exact dynamic we have. I know she has religious trauma from purity culture and negative sex talk from her parents growing up, and that really sucks because she can’t fully enjoy or appreciate sex the way God made it to be. She has the same way of seeing the deep need I have for sex (physically and emotionally) and is accommodating, but like you said, it still hurts to not feel wanted / pursued, or share the same level of desire for deep intimacy. We’re in marriage counseling for this and a few other issues, hoping and praying we can sort it all out with improvements on all fronts!
@Isaiah – You have my prayers!