Podcast: https://bit.ly/4rOrXuw
Yesterday, I suggested compromise is not a great thing for marriages. Okay, but what do we do when we want something different than our spouse? We can’t go out together and stay home together on Friday night. Deciding to go out every other Friday seems like a fair compromise, but what if the one who wants to stay home is miserable on the go-out Friday, over and over? What if the one who wants to go out is dying of loneliness?
The compromise is tearing at both of them, and on some level, each blames their spouse for how they feel. But what alternative is there?
Third Alternative: Instead of both parties giving something up, a third alternative tries to discover a solution that satisfies everyone’s needs fully. This is done by looking at the desires expressed and understanding the root needs. The extrovert needs to connect with others, while the introvert is peopled out from a long week at work.
What if the couple went out on a day other than Friday? It’s the worst day for the exhausted introvert. Saturday would be better. Sunday after church could be even better.
The extrovert needs to be with other people. But that can be done without going out. Invite friends in. Establish a regular movie night or game night. Do a full meal, or bring snacks. Being at home makes the situation far easier for the introvert. Or alternate homes, so the introvert is out less often.
If you want to explore this idea more, check out the book, The Third Alternative.
Accommodation: One party willingly gives in to the other’s needs. This should not be pressured or coerced; it should be because the person feels the relationship is more important than the issue at hand.
Accommodation is a sacrifice made by one spouse. It costs them something. But if they see how much it blesses the other, that can help. Accommodation can only work long-term if both spouses do it and if neither of them is keeping score. Accommodating something that really matters to your spouse could equal them accommodating you on several less important things.
When you accommodate, you can set parameters. So you could say, “I want to go out with you tonight, but I really need to head home by 9:30.” Or, “But we need to go somewhere quiet.“
Flexibility: This practice means making different choices each time the issue comes up, based on how you both feel. Alternatively, you could decide the day before if you need planning time. It works well when each spouse is willing to be flexible, and each is aware of the other’s needs.
So the extrovert says, “I know you’ve had a horrible week and don’t want to see anyone until Monday.” The introvert replies, “You’re right, and thank you for understanding. But I know you need to get out. How about dinner and a movie on Saturday?” Perhaps the extrovert accepts this. Or they might say, “Let’s do dinner out and come home for a movie.”
In some ways, this arrangement is a compromise, but it’s not your typical compromise. Each spouse is thinking about what the other needs and trying to accommodate that. Each feels heard and loved, and that goes a long way to feeling good about whatever they end up doing.
By the way, all of these alternatives require emotional maturity. If your spouse is lacking in that, you can try to show the way, but do so knowing most of it will fall on you for the near future.
~ This is Paul, and loving sacrifice is Doing Marriage Well!
Our ducks are back.
I wonder how Widge is going to feel about sharing her pond
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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