Podcast: https://bit.ly/4d2P013
When I talked on Tuesday about alternatives to compromise, I said that accommodation “should be because the person feels the relationship is more important than the issue at hand” rather than because they are pressured or coerced. I want to explore that in more detail.
Pushing or manipulating your spouse to acquiesce to what you want is obviously wrong. Because of our selfish human nature, most of us do this in small ways from time to time. If it’s a common thing, that’s a problem that is going to eventually cripple or kill a marriage.
But I want to look at a different version of giving in for the wrong reason.
Some folks regularly give in, doing things they don’t want to do, or not doing things they really want to do, because of brokenness. Such folks are sometimes called people-pleasers.
A people-pleaser consistently prioritises others’ needs, wants, and feelings over their own. To some degree this may be done to avoid conflict, but it’s more about preventing rejection. People-pleasing is driven by fear and insecurity.
Initially, being married to a people-pleaser may seem great. You get to do what you want, and you can easily avoid doing things you don’t like. You don’t have to be selfish to make this happen; your spouse goes out of their way to do it. But they don’t do it out of love; they do it out of fear. It’s destructive to them and to your marriage. If it continues, your marriage becomes an empty shell of what it should be.
If you usually get your way without much push to make it happen, you may be married to a people-pleaser. If this is the case, you need to deal with that because your spouse can’t; they don’t have the tools to do so. It’s a deeply ingrained habit reinforced by fear of rejection or loss. They feel they must sacrifice most of what they want to keep your love.
Start with open communication, but don’t expect much at first. Ask your people-pleasing spouse about their hopes, dreams, and desires. Engage any bit they give you, and keep asking. But don’t force it. Look for ways to make it easy for them to express a preference. So instead of asking them where they want to eat, give them several choices. Tell them you’re fine with any of the choices, and it’s up to them. This may still be difficult for your spouse, but it’s easier and safer than suggesting a place without a list.
Become an observer of your spouse. Are they tired or stressed? Do they need a break? Learn when to not even hint you want something, because you know they will say yes even if they should not. They don’t have healthy boundaries, so you need to try to live within where those boundaries should be.
Of course, it’s not just you they try to please. Keep your eyes open so you can step in when others take advantage of your spouse, or your spouse gives in when they should not. This might mean pushing back against those who push your spouse. Or it might mean gently suggesting to your spouse that they should pull back. Help them say no when no is the right answer.
Helping a people-pleasing spouse become a healthy person who can express likes and dislikes will take time, effort, and sacrifice. However, it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give both your spouse and your marriage.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The elk are on the move!
We have a couple of herds that spend the winter lower than us, and the summer higher. We see them twice a year as they migrate. This is a small herd.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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