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One of the tricky things about dealing with the injury done to us when we were children is we sometimes don’t see how it affected us as being bad. Sometimes we see what it made us as good. And you don’t make an effort to change what you think is good.

One common way this happens is when our young selves figure out our parents were not doing what we needed. Raising a child well requires far more than food, shelter, and education. Children need love, support, encouragement, and praise. 

There are a lot of reasons kids get short-changed. Maybe you were raised by a single parent who was doing good to keep the kids clothed and fed. Perhaps one or both parents were addicts. Maybe they never dealt with the ways they were messed up by their parents. Or perhaps they were just selfish.

Regardless of why it happens, when six-year-old Chris or eight-year-old Sam realise they can’t count on their parents, they start taking care of themselves. They don’t bother their parents, seeing it as a waste of time. Out of necessity, they become very adept at looking out for, and caring for, themselves.

As adults, such folks are often proud of how self-sufficient and independent they are. But the reality is these people tend to be isolated or detached, and can suffer from stress, burnout, anxiety, or an inability to ask for help. They hide these things well, but they can’t connect as they should because they don’t trust anyone. This hurts their personal relationships, especially marriage.

God says marriage is two people becoming one. If you’re unable to trust your spouse because of your past, you can’t be one. The spouse of someone who is too self-sufficient can feel unneeded or shut out.

This issue is near and not so dear to my heart because both Lori and I have suffered from it. By the grace of God and a lot of determination, we have let each other in to an amazing degree. But we both still had a streak of self-sufficiency. Recently, God gave us a crash-and-burn event that forced both of us to confront our truth. That has resulted in a huge change for both of us, and it feels wonderful. We’re still finding ways it has changed and freed us that we did not expect.

My only regret is it took us so long to get here! But it takes time; it’s a marathon, not a sprint!

If you are self-sufficient because you realised your parents wouldn’t care for you as they should, you are walking wounded, and your marriage is limited. Please realise what you did was a necessary evil in the past but is not what God wanted for you. Calling it a good thing today is wrong, and you need to face that and heal so you can let your spouse in.

~ This is Paul, and you can’t Do Marriage Well if you’re still trying to do it all yourself!

Related Article: How Your Childhood Can Affect Your Marriage | Gottman

So many seedlings!

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly & Paul Byerly
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