by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 30, 2026 | Put Up With
Podcast: https://bit.ly/48rU38g
There’s a lot of putting up with and living with in couples’ sex lives, so I’m going to devote two days to these issues. Be aware today’s post will be a bit more explicit than I usually get here.
There are various ways we put up with sex acts we don’t really care for. What makes this tricky is people are very different about sex. Sam thinks a certain sex act is amazing, Chris can take it or leave it, and Terry finds it offensive, gross, and/or degrading. Beyond that, we change over time. So Sam might move from amazing to so-so, and Terry might move from no way, to fun once in a while.
One example of this for women is breast play. Some really like it, and a very few can climax from nipple stimulation. But some women get nothing out of it, and some find it distracting. As one woman told her husband, “If you play with my breasts much, I probably won’t have an orgasm.”
Another common one is oral sex. Most, but not all, men are all about pleasuring their wives this way, while women are anywhere from loving it to hating it.
The fear, of course, is that sharing these things with your spouse will hurt their feelings or mess up sex. But here’s the thing, if your spouse is loving, they want to know about such issues. They would rather give up something you don’t like than enjoy it at your expense.
If you share about such things, start by saying “It’s me“. If you know why you have an issue with it, share that. But you don’t have to understand it for it to be valid to dislike it. Also understand you’re not necessarily saying “no more” to whatever. For some things that may be the right way to go, but for some things there is a third alternative.
The woman who is turned off by breast play can encourage her husband to enjoy her breasts at other times, or when they are going to have sex just for him.
For oral sex, maybe it’s not the act but the position. Perhaps it would be okay after she has had an orgasm. If his ejaculation is the issue, try doing it in the shower, do it as part of foreplay, or start that way and finish by hand.
Another version of this is the man who has sex in a way that is not his first, second, or third choice because it’s what works for her. It’s not that he dislikes what they do, but there are other ways he’d prefer to do it. “It” might be the position they use, having the lights off, how foreplay is done, or many other things.
If doing it another way would make sex difficult for her or prevent her from having an orgasm, then his silence is a loving sacrifice. But there may be other options. If it’s been years since the issue has been discussed, things may have changed for her. Maybe whatever would work for her now.
If it’s about position, have sex the way she needs till she climaxes and then switch to what he prefers. For lighting, switch from total darkness to a candle. Switching up the order of sex might also be a solution.
If a man wants to address things like this, he should start by making it clear he is not willing to lessen sex for her. But if she can be flexible without it costing her, he’d like to try making some changes. If she occasionally wants to do something that doesn’t work for her out of love, he should accept that with gratitude and humility.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is an evolving dance.
Comes the rain!
I was a flatlander most of my life, but I have come to love the mountains.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 29, 2026 | Put Up With
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4eR5b2d
So you have decided you need to address that annoying thing your spouse does or does not do. How do you go about it?
There are two situations. The first is you have put up with it silently for a good while. Maybe you once complained but have stopped; maybe you’ve never said a word about it. The other situation is you have talked about it repeatedly, and your spouse ignores you or promises change that never comes.
One thing that is important for both of these situations is you being ready to hear about what you do that annoys them. Make that part of your conversation, both to take the sting out of it and because their putting up with things you do is hurting them and your marriage.
And of course, pick a good time, and be kind.
You’ve been silent about it:
Start by admitting you are part of the problem because you have not brought it up. Saying you thought you should be okay with it, or that it’s become more annoying will help. Frame it as “I need your help” and avoid making what they do wrong. Tell them whatever it is bothers you and that is affecting your relationship negatively.
Some issues will take a bit of creativity. If his music bothers you, then he needs headphones. If her always being on her phone is an issue, establish phone-free times, such as at dinner, or phone-free places, such as the bedroom. If the issue is being late, discuss it. If your spouse is opposed to being early, live with that. If getting the kids ready makes her late, then help with the kids.
You’ve brought it up, and it has not changed:
Hopefully, it’s a matter of an ingrained habit. If it’s not caring about you, that’s a much bigger issue. Habits can be hard to break, but it can be done.
Start by letting your spouse know this has become a big deal for you. Beyond the annoyance, their lack of response makes you feel unimportant or unloved. Don’t be too dramatic, but help them understand it’s a bigger issue than just something they do that they feel is insignificant.
You can help with habit breaking by coming up with a phrase or signal that tells your spouse when they are doing the thing. If you can do this in a light way with a bit of humour, that will help.
And of course, when they get it right, be quick to praise them. And doing it five times today rather than their usual 20 is something to praise.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 28, 2026 | Put Up With
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3OQNRjt
I want to talk today about things we put up with that we should not. This is very much about giving you permission to address the issue with your spouse.
The bottom line is if some behaviour, or failure, really eats at you, it’s hurting your marriage. And you putting up with it is not the solution. If you feel what you want is unfair, then get help so it does not drive you crazy. Otherwise, you need to say something.
A short list of things we put up with:
- Not listening, or selective listening: You need your spouse to hear you about the important stuff.
- Messiness: Expecting extreme neatness is unfair, but there needs to be some effort on their part to keep things functional and safe.
- Constant phubbing: Using screens to ignore your spouse is both rude and harmful to your marriage.
- Noise: It could be smacking while eating, snoring, music, or anything else that irritates you.
- Sexual issues: We will cover that later this week.
- Lack of punctuality: Always being late is a problem.
I want to focus on the issue of lateness to take a closer look at how these things can play out. My mother was one of those folks who thought, “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable.” My father thought on-time was acceptable. We were never late, but I recall my mother always putting my sister and me into the car early and then sitting there fuming and saying, “Come on, Woody.“
Maybe she thought doing this would speed him up. I can assure you it did not. It did frustrate her, and I’m sure it was a problem for their marriage.
There is no clear “wrong” here other than that they never worked it out. I think it would have been loving for my father to aim for a few minutes before “on time” as it mattered so much to my mother. I think he should also have suggested to her that being too early could be rude, such as when going to someone’s home. They could have found something that worked for both of them and removed a major source of friction in their marriage.
Being irritated with your spouse regularly is bad for your marriage. Putting up with it may keep your spouse from hearing about it, but the situation is still harming your marriage. If it bothers you more than a little, it should be addressed. Tomorrow I’ll suggest how to address it.
~ This is Paul, and being irritated at your spouse gets in the way of Doing Marriage Well.
Pigs really like dandelions!
Aside from being free food, they are no longer afraid of me.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 27, 2026 | Put Up With
Podcast: https://bit.ly/48ULV00
Something Lori and I have long said is, “What you put up with, you live with.”
If you don’t say anything about something your spouse does that you dislike, they will keep doing it. Ignoring it won’t make it better, and it may make it worse. This also applies to failures – the things our spouse fails to do, or does poorly or infrequently.
There are a variety of reasons we don’t mention things we dislike. We don’t want to hurt their feelings. We don’t want to start a fight. We worry we are being petty or are concerned our spouse will belittle us. We might think it’s us, and we should just get over it. Another possibility is life is more stressful now, and you can no longer ignore some things you could in the past. Perhaps it seemed like a little thing… at first. Or compared with other issues, it was a small thing.
But small things done over, and over and over, can become major irritations. And bigger things will get to “I can’t take it any more” even faster.
Often it builds up until we blow. In a moment of frustration we scream. “Can you please stop doing that?” And our spouse looks at us like we’re a crazy person because, 1) we are acting like a crazy person, and 2) it’s the first time we have mentioned whatever. As far as they knew, you’ve never had a problem with what they do. Then, suddenly, from their perspective, you are over-the-top angry about it for no discernible reason.
After you calm down, you feel embarrassed at your reaction. You may worry that an apology may be taken as saying what bothers you is not a big deal. Or your bad behaviour may keep you from having the calm, rational discussion you need to have about the issue. So while it feels good in the moment, blowing up doesn’t usually change anything.
We will look at how to deal with these things later this week. Tomorrow I’ll look at various things we put up with until they drive us crazy. Between now and then, think about your marriage. Have you been putting up with things you’re tired of living with? Can you see anywhere your spouse might be in this position about something you do or don’t do? If they used to complain about something you did, or did not do, and stopped, did they get over it? Or did they just stop saying anything because you didn’t change?
~ This is Paul, and living with things that upset you is not Doing Marriage Well.
Widget did some baby puppy sitting today.
When in doubt, flip them on their back!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 25, 2026 | Needs
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3QLEemF
A question was asked about people who don’t feel safe asking for what they need.
Not feeling safe does not mean someone is in an abusive relationship. It could be knowing you will have to defend what you say. You may know your needs will be dismissed as silly, unimportant, or selfish. Maybe you will get what you ask for, with passive-aggressive anger, frustration, or a lot of sighing. Perhaps you know from past experience that you will get what you ask for once, and asking over and over gets old.
What all of these have in common is signalling that your needs are unimportant, and I don’t love you enough to care. If you are the one doing this, realise that is the message sent regardless of what you mean.
The solution, if you’re the one not getting your needs met, is difficult. Your spouse may be denying you what you want because they’re too busy, stressed out, or selfish. Or it could be they are clueless or lacking in empathy. Regardless, you are up against a strong wall. But walls can be dismantled, one brick at a time, with patience and the right tools. It could also be your spouse is doing what they learned growing up, and it is just habit. Still not an easy thing to overcome.
Some folks just stopped asking, because why set yourself up for rejection? If it’s been years since you tried, make an effort now. Try saying something like “I need [action] to feel [emotion].” Be clear about the need, and follow up if they look confused.
If the problem is ongoing and you want to tackle the issue, getting third-party help is your best bet. If you want to take a run at it yourself, explain you feel your needs are not being taken seriously, and it hurts you. Explain that beyond the unmet needs, you feel unloved. Try to avoid being accusatory; just give the facts.
If you get a positive response, be quick to thank your spouse. Even if it’s not as much as you need, give them credit for making an attempt. Small changes are change, and appreciating them can lead to greater change.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Spring is here!
The wire is to keep a dog, who will go unnamed, from digging up and eating the bulbs.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 24, 2026 | Needs
Podcast: https://bit.ly/496BTsJ
To get it out of the way, I think sex is a need. A marriage needs sex to be healthy and to be what God intended. Most men and many women need sex to feel loved by their spouse. And sexual frustration can cause problems well beyond the marriage.
But sometimes when we think we need sex, it’s something else.
I talked earlier this week about trying to fill a need with something other than what we need. There’s a lot of this happening with sex. You need love; you seek sex. You need intimacy; you seek sex. You need touch, and you try to have sex to get it. You’re worried, stressed, or bored, and you try to solve it with sex.
When we try to fill other needs with sex, we create a desire for sex our spouse can’t meet. Even if they did, we would still feel empty. And our spouse may feel resentment about being used. Beyond that, trying to fill non-sexual things with sex messes up sex. We can’t fully enjoy and be satisfied with sex when we are trying to use it to deal with something else.
It can be difficult for some to see they are doing this because they are not having as much sex as they legitimately need. So they are correct that they say they “need more”, and that hides the fact they are trying to get some non-sexual needs met.
If you think you NEED sex more than four or five times a week, it’s very likely you are trying to meet non-sexual needs with sex. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having sex more often than that, if you both want that. Neither am I suggesting there is anything wrong with you both being satisfied with sex twice a week. I’m simply trying to give a guide for valid sexual needs.
If you are trying to meet non-sexual needs in bed, it’s hurting your marriage and your sex life.
~ This is Paul, and making sex about sex is Doing Sex Well.
Whisky and Widget doing the evening perimeter patrol.
Whisky is very serious about this; Widge is just along for the LOLs.
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