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How you think, what you feel, and how you interact with others, are strongly shaped by how you perceive yourself. Your life, and your marriage, will always rise to, or fall to, match your self-image. Your self-image has a powerful impact on your life, and your childhood shaped your self-image a great deal.
As an adult, have you thought about, or even better, challenged, your self-image? Have you considered how your self-image affects, helps, or hurts your relationship with your spouse?
Early on, our self-image is formed by our caregivers. Parents are a big part of that, but if you spent a lot of time with grandparents or in daycare, those people had a significant impact. As we get older, our social network shapes how we see ourselves, but we tend to look for people who agree with how we see ourselves because that feels comfortable. Even if it’s negative, it feels familiar and safe.
Here’s the thing: all of those people who shaped your self-image were imperfect. At best they tried and fell short. Some were wounded and broken, and some got something out of making you feel bad about yourself.
When you got married, you probably married a man or woman who largely agreed with your self-perception. Perhaps they saw you in a better light than you did, and that attracted you. Sometimes that helps a person see themselves differently, but it can also create tension in the marriage.
One common marriage problem related to a twisted self-image is the inability to receive compliments. If your spouse says something you don’t think is true, why would you accept it? You might also worry they are trying to manipulate you with flattery. I’ve had husbands tell me they are hurt that their wife fights them when they say something nice about her. I suspect some wives have had the same experience.
Given how central your self-image is to your life, it would seem wise to spend more than a little time considering it. Why do you feel as you do about yourself? Can you trace what you feel back to what others said or did when you were young? Do you remember classmates at school labelling you as a nerd or strange, and accepting their judgements?
If you want to challenge your self-image and change it as needed, it will take some intentional effort. Start by writing down how you perceive yourself. Then list things that support those feelings. If you can’t support something with current examples, there’s a good chance that perception is not valid.
The next level is asking people you trust to tell you how they see you. Hopefully your spouse is on this list. Again, ask for supporting evidence. And last, but certainly not least, ask God who He says you are. Some of that may not be who you are now, but rather who He wants you to become.
With all of this information gathered, think and pray. Who are you, really? And who do you want to become?
Then act like the person you want to be. Give yourself grace when you fail. The more you behave as the person you want to be, the more you will become that person.
Do be aware that most folks don’t like change, even when it’s good change. So expect pushback. Give people time to adjust. If some friends keep trying to push you back to who you were, let them know that is not who you are. If they don’t back down, you may have to limit your time with them.
~ This is Paul, and your self-image affects how you Do Marriage.
Related Article: Family of Origin: Patterns and Particularities | The Allender Center
We have turkey eggs!
We will steal half a dozen to incubate, then let her sit on a clutch.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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