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One big way our parents’ marriage programmed us is how we communicate.
If your folks screamed at each other, there’s a good chance you do the same and don’t see why that’s a problem. But some folks go the other direction, becoming super sensitive to not only loud but also passionate or energetic conversation.
Differences about this can be a massive marriage issue. She yells naturally, but he feels abused when she does so. He becomes animated, and she feels threatened. They are unable to communicate because one is too busy dealing with feeling disrespected or attacked to hear the words being shared.
The obvious solution is for the louder or more animated spouse to dial it back. But that’s a very difficult thing to do. They communicate as they do because it’s how they were taught to deal with differences since before they can even remember.
Then there’s another issue. Because of what one spouse saw growing up, toxic communication may have become normalised. Examples include:
- Swearing or ugly words.
- Baseless accusations or questioning of integrity.
- Strong sarcasm.
- Dramatic exits, with slamming doors.
- Leaving for hours, with no communication.
- The silent treatment possibly continued until the other caves.
- Withholding affection or sex
- Refusing to do household tasks you both agree are “your job”
- Pushing it even further, there’s destruction of property, which is crossing into abuse.
None of these are designed to facilitate communication. They are not about discussing things; they are about winning by beating the other person down. It’s words as warfare, and all is fair in war.
One particularly bad version of this is the divorce threat. We knew a woman who threatened divorce every time she and her husband got into an argument. Outside of fights she said she didn’t mean it. But it cut him each time she did it – which is probably why she kept doing it.
All of this is about “winning” an argument. But if you win, that means your spouse loses. And if either of you loses, your marriage loses. Each argument you have with your spouse is an opportunity to move closer together. But to achieve that, you have to get rid of your tactics and your desire to win.
The next time you argue, don’t try to win. Honestly express your thoughts and feelings as non-confrontationally as you can. Listen to your spouse, and ask for clarification when you don’t understand. Then work towards understanding and look for a way to move forward that allows you both to feel heard and respected.
~ This is Paul, and both of you winning is Doing Marriage Well.
Related Article: From Toxic Arguments to Constructive Disputes: Ending Dirty Fighting | Ananias Foundation
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IImage Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
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The like button is gone but I would definitely like this one. It is something I long for, us communicating and finding common solutions.
It is a real challenge since much of what you describe was a part of what I saw growing up, though not often from my parents. On the flip side, my wife is not at a place where she can take criticism or anything that even unintentionally indicates that she has been wrong. Not from me, though her mentors can guide her when they can see an area she needs to grow in.
So my instinct is at war with her inability to hear it from me, no matter how softly or gently I try to talk. And to clarify, I’m not just talking about me telling her that she is wrong. I rarely try that. Even times when I have been discussing something where I feel that I was wrong, there have been times when she has felt like I was saying that she needed to work on something and she was offended and hurt and the conversations couldn’t fruitfully continue.
There are reasons why this is, I am sure. I know some of them and suspect others. Some have to do with me and our past. I think others have nothing to do with me but they still factor in. I don’t agree with all of the reasons or how they still come into play but I cannot change her reality.