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A good first step towards a No-Closed-Doors Marriage is to grant access to the rooms that hold your past. Odds are much of what you have not shared is painful or embarrassing. But some couples just don’t share much of their past, painful or otherwise.
Some say, “My past is none of my spouse’s business.” That is often an attempt to keep hidden things they don’t want to share. But some folks think “the past belongs in the past” and don’t share for that reason.
But God says we are to become one, and we can’t do that if we keep things hidden.
As I have said many times, who we are today has been significantly shaped by our past. Seeing your past helps your spouse understand you. It should give them grace for some of your struggles. It might even moderate how they treat you as they understand how they may be triggering you.
Start with happy and fun stuff. Open up your childhood, revealing more and more as it feels safe. When you discuss things you’ve never talked about, it may be difficult. Tears or not knowing how to share are normal and just fine. You may uncover anger you didn’t know was there or fear you had buried. Such things are part of why doing this work is good for you. Painful, but good.
As you open these doors, you’ll inevitably encounter the people who shaped what is in those rooms. Try to be fair and honest about the people in your past. Heroes are always imperfect, and villains usually have some redeeming qualities and reasons for grace. Remember, telling the truth about what a parent said or did is not disrespectful.
You may see things long locked away differently now than when you were younger. Some of the change is due to the passage of time. Additionally, you understand life better now than you did in the past, especially when you were young. Explore changes in perception; it may bring revelation or healing. It might also open up negative feelings you will need to deal with. All of this can lead to personal healing and growth.
Opening your past to your spouse is good for them, but also for you. And it makes your marriage stronger.
Looking for a practical way to start? Have a “History Date Night” where you each share three “happy rooms” and one “not so good room” from your childhood.
~ This is Paul, and sharing your past makes your future brighter.
Cute Idea!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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