Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vkxAnd
Are there parts of your sexual self you keep behind closed doors? Or locked doors? Or boarded-up doors? Sex is private and personal. What’s more, some of what you did, said, or thought in the past may be embarrassing. So closed doors are absolutely appropriate with everyone other than your spouse.
But what about with your spouse?
Many in the world say what, or who, I did before I met you is none of your business. Everything I’ve said this week about the rooms in your life applies to sex, including the need to know each other to become fully one. Knowing each other’s sexual pasts helps you understand triggers and broken places. It gives you empathy and makes it easier to accept workarounds. It can help you realise it’s not personal and not about you.
I suggest you share it all: That time you played doctor with another child. Self-discovery during long baths. The emotions and discoveries that came with puberty. How you were exposed to porn, and any struggle you had with it. Your first kiss, your first orgasm, and your first anything else. The goal isn’t to give every last detail. Rather, you are providing an honest overview of your sexuality. Focus on the impact of the stories, rather than a graphic inventory.
While some memories are light, others carry the weight of trauma. Talk about your fears, confusion, and embarrassment. If one or both of you were molested, talk about that. My encouragement to be safe applies here. Don’t push your spouse, especially about harmful events. Give them a safe place, an empathetic ear, and the time and space they need.
Be aware that talking about sexual abuse can make sex difficult or scary here and now. This should be a temporary challenge, and long-term you should experience greater freedom and enjoyment of sex. But be ready for a speed bump. If your spouse is the one with the abuse in their past, be quick to offer support and grace, and be prepared for a temporary interruption in your sex life.
Extending no closed doors to your sexuality may be a real stretch. Do think and pray about it before you start. The reward for allowing that access is a better sex life, and a better marriage.
~ This is Paul, and open doors make it easier to Do Sex Well.
My birthday cake.
Chocolate cake, with orange marmalade filling.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
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