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How are you about asking for what you need from your spouse? I find a lot of folks are very bad at this. Especially when what they need is emotional.
The picture with this post is Widget asking for attention. Tilly asks for attention by putting her paw on us. Whisky comes up and pushes her head under my hand to ask for pets. They know what they want, and they have no problem asking for it. I wish we were all that straightforward!
Recently Lori told me, “I will need extra hugs today.” It was an amazing thing to hear her say that. I felt trusted. I know being able to do that is from recent healing, and it’s still a bit raw. I was all about giving her hugs when I thought about it, and stopping to do it when she asked. Her honesty about her need blessed both of us, and made our marriage better.
I suppose some will say we need to have limits, including knowing the time and place for expressing our needs. While there is truth in that, we often use it as an excuse for hiding needs we should express.
The Bible says, “You have not because you ask not.” I realise people aren’t as good as God about meeting valid needs, but what James said still applies. Lori and I tell husbands and wives that if they didn’t ask for whatever, they were not denied or refused that thing when they didn’t get it. We also tell folks that hinting is not asking. Neither is hedging or tacking on “If you don’t want to, it’s okay“. Asking means saying “I want ______”. Or even better, “I need _____.”
There are a number of reasons we don’t do this.
- We worry about being dependent on others. But God created us to be dependent on others. It’s a feature, not a bug!
- We don’t feel we deserve to receive what we need. I find this at odds with what the Bible says. We are commanded to love and care for each other, so clearly those needs are to be met. What’s more, the Apostle Paul frequently asked for prayer and support from those he wrote to.
- We worry that if others give us what we need, they will gain power over us. This can happen, and it means we need to be wise about who we ask to give to us.
- We think if we receive, we must then give. While it should not be quid pro quo, each of us should both receive and give. If you don’t ask of others because you’re unwilling to give, then you have a selfishness issue.
- We are not honest with ourselves about what we need.
That last one is the biggest roadblock for many. I will deal with it in depth tomorrow.
~ This is Paul, and expressing your needs is actually Doing Marriage Well.
The planting has begun.
Put in almost 300 onions on Saturday. Walla Walla sweet, yellow, and red.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly
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What about this one?
Some people may not feel safe asking for what they need. Perhaps the spouse has historically dismissed the expressed need, discounted it as unimportant, or told the person they are being dramatic, etc. This teaches that expressed needs will not be received lovingly, nor will any attempt be made to meet the need.
@Angie Armstrong – Doing bonus post to address this.