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I suggested yesterday that not being honest with ourselves about what we need is a common problem. On the surface it seems like a silly claim. How could we not know what we want? There is actually a lot of evidence supporting my claim.
Those who help people looking for romantic relationships say it’s common for people to claim they want certain things in a partner, but then repeatedly go after someone very different. Those who deal with married couples see people claim to want something, then sabotage getting it. Or do things which invite the opposite of what they say they want.
Part of this is social expectations. We say we need what we think we’re supposed to need. And we tell ourselves we don’t need things we do need because we’ve been told we shouldn’t need that thing. We fear needing something makes us look weak or shows we have problems. So we seek what won’t fill our needs and remain silent about what would fill us. This can lead to trying to get more and more of what’s not working, thinking that will take care of it.
We may deny what we need because we think it’s not appropriate because of our gender. Men who feel they shouldn’t need comfort, or women who feel they shouldn’t need sexual intimacy. We may fear it shows wrong desires. Or perhaps it just exposed us in a way we don’t want to be exposed.
Having been denied what we needed in the past is a common issue. If we don’t ask for what we need, then we can’t be denied. Perhaps your spouse withheld things you asked for in the past, but most of the time when this happens, it goes back to being denied by our caregivers when we were young. Maybe we were belittled, or even punished for asking for what we needed, and we want to avoid that happening again. Recognising these old patterns is the first step toward breaking them.
What do you need from your spouse to feel loved? If you don’t get that, you won’t feel loved. If you don’t ask for it, you probably won’t get it. And if you don’t admit to yourself you need it, you won’t ask for it.
But what if what you need is wrong? Or too much? Then you need to have a hard discussion with your spouse. Is what you want really wrong or too much? If so, what healthy thing would fill that need?
~ This is Paul, and you can’t Do Marriage Well when you feel empty.
We have 13 turkey eggs in the incubator.
We are now letting eggs sit in the nest to see if Chianna will hatch out a brood.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
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