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A question was asked about people who don’t feel safe asking for what they need. 

Not feeling safe does not mean someone is in an abusive relationship. It could be knowing you will have to defend what you say. You may know your needs will be dismissed as silly, unimportant, or selfish. Maybe you will get what you ask for, with passive-aggressive anger, frustration, or a lot of sighing. Perhaps you know from past experience that you will get what you ask for once, and asking over and over gets old.

What all of these have in common is signalling that your needs are unimportant, and I don’t love you enough to care. If you are the one doing this, realise that is the message sent regardless of what you mean.

The solution, if you’re the one not getting your needs met, is difficult. Your spouse may be denying you what you want because they’re too busy, stressed out, or selfish. Or it could be they are clueless or lacking in empathy. Regardless, you are up against a strong wall. But walls can be dismantled, one brick at a time, with patience and the right tools. It could also be your spouse is doing what they learned growing up, and it is just habit. Still not an easy thing to overcome.

Some folks just stopped asking, because why set yourself up for rejection? If it’s been years since you tried, make an effort now. Try saying something like “I need [action] to feel [emotion].” Be clear about the need, and follow up if they look confused.

If the problem is ongoing and you want to tackle the issue, getting third-party help is your best bet. If you want to take a run at it yourself, explain you feel your needs are not being taken seriously, and it hurts you. Explain that beyond the unmet needs, you feel unloved. Try to avoid being accusatory; just give the facts.

If you get a positive response, be quick to thank your spouse. Even if it’s not as much as you need, give them credit for making an attempt. Small changes are change, and appreciating them can lead to greater change.

~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.

Spring is here!

The wire is to keep a dog, who will go unnamed, from digging up and eating the bulbs.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
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