Podcast: https://bit.ly/48ULV00

Something Lori and I have long said is, “What you put up with, you live with.”

If you don’t say anything about something your spouse does that you dislike, they will keep doing it. Ignoring it won’t make it better, and it may make it worse. This also applies to failures – the things our spouse fails to do, or does poorly or infrequently.

There are a variety of reasons we don’t mention things we dislike. We don’t want to hurt their feelings. We don’t want to start a fight. We worry we are being petty or are concerned our spouse will belittle us. We might think it’s us, and we should just get over it. Another possibility is life is more stressful now, and you can no longer ignore some things you could in the past. Perhaps it seemed like a little thing… at first. Or compared with other issues, it was a small thing.

But small things done over, and over and over, can become major irritations. And bigger things will get to “I can’t take it any more” even faster.

Often it builds up until we blow. In a moment of frustration we scream. “Can you please stop doing that?” And our spouse looks at us like we’re a crazy person because, 1) we are acting like a crazy person, and 2) it’s the first time we have mentioned whatever. As far as they knew, you’ve never had a problem with what they do. Then, suddenly, from their perspective, you are over-the-top angry about it for no discernible reason.

After you calm down, you feel embarrassed at your reaction. You may worry that an apology may be taken as saying what bothers you is not a big deal. Or your bad behaviour may keep you from having the calm, rational discussion you need to have about the issue. So while it feels good in the moment, blowing up doesn’t usually change anything.

We will look at how to deal with these things later this week. Tomorrow I’ll look at various things we put up with until they drive us crazy. Between now and then, think about your marriage. Have you been putting up with things you’re tired of living with? Can you see anywhere your spouse might be in this position about something you do or don’t do? If they used to complain about something you did, or did not do, and stopped, did they get over it? Or did they just stop saying anything because you didn’t change?

~ This is Paul, and living with things that upset you is not Doing Marriage Well.

Widget did some baby puppy sitting today.

When in doubt, flip them on their back!

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
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