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So you have decided you need to address that annoying thing your spouse does or does not do. How do you go about it?
There are two situations. The first is you have put up with it silently for a good while. Maybe you once complained but have stopped; maybe you’ve never said a word about it. The other situation is you have talked about it repeatedly, and your spouse ignores you or promises change that never comes.
One thing that is important for both of these situations is you being ready to hear about what you do that annoys them. Make that part of your conversation, both to take the sting out of it and because their putting up with things you do is hurting them and your marriage.
And of course, pick a good time, and be kind.
You’ve been silent about it:
Start by admitting you are part of the problem because you have not brought it up. Saying you thought you should be okay with it, or that it’s become more annoying will help. Frame it as “I need your help” and avoid making what they do wrong. Tell them whatever it is bothers you and that is affecting your relationship negatively.
Some issues will take a bit of creativity. If his music bothers you, then he needs headphones. If her always being on her phone is an issue, establish phone-free times, such as at dinner, or phone-free places, such as the bedroom. If the issue is being late, discuss it. If your spouse is opposed to being early, live with that. If getting the kids ready makes her late, then help with the kids.
You’ve brought it up, and it has not changed:
Hopefully, it’s a matter of an ingrained habit. If it’s not caring about you, that’s a much bigger issue. Habits can be hard to break, but it can be done.
Start by letting your spouse know this has become a big deal for you. Beyond the annoyance, their lack of response makes you feel unimportant or unloved. Don’t be too dramatic, but help them understand it’s a bigger issue than just something they do that they feel is insignificant.
You can help with habit breaking by coming up with a phrase or signal that tells your spouse when they are doing the thing. If you can do this in a light way with a bit of humour, that will help.
And of course, when they get it right, be quick to praise them. And doing it five times today rather than their usual 20 is something to praise.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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