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There’s a lot of putting up with and living with in couples’ sex lives, so I’m going to devote two days to these issues. Be aware today’s post will be a bit more explicit than I usually get here.
There are various ways we put up with sex acts we don’t really care for. What makes this tricky is people are very different about sex. Sam thinks a certain sex act is amazing, Chris can take it or leave it, and Terry finds it offensive, gross, and/or degrading. Beyond that, we change over time. So Sam might move from amazing to so-so, and Terry might move from no way, to fun once in a while.
One example of this for women is breast play. Some really like it, and a very few can climax from nipple stimulation. But some women get nothing out of it, and some find it distracting. As one woman told her husband, “If you play with my breasts much, I probably won’t have an orgasm.”
Another common one is oral sex. Most, but not all, men are all about pleasuring their wives this way, while women are anywhere from loving it to hating it.
The fear, of course, is that sharing these things with your spouse will hurt their feelings or mess up sex. But here’s the thing, if your spouse is loving, they want to know about such issues. They would rather give up something you don’t like than enjoy it at your expense.
If you share about such things, start by saying “It’s me“. If you know why you have an issue with it, share that. But you don’t have to understand it for it to be valid to dislike it. Also understand you’re not necessarily saying “no more” to whatever. For some things that may be the right way to go, but for some things there is a third alternative.
The woman who is turned off by breast play can encourage her husband to enjoy her breasts at other times, or when they are going to have sex just for him.
For oral sex, maybe it’s not the act but the position. Perhaps it would be okay after she has had an orgasm. If his ejaculation is the issue, try doing it in the shower, do it as part of foreplay, or start that way and finish by hand.
Another version of this is the man who has sex in a way that is not his first, second, or third choice because it’s what works for her. It’s not that he dislikes what they do, but there are other ways he’d prefer to do it. “It” might be the position they use, having the lights off, how foreplay is done, or many other things.
If doing it another way would make sex difficult for her or prevent her from having an orgasm, then his silence is a loving sacrifice. But there may be other options. If it’s been years since the issue has been discussed, things may have changed for her. Maybe whatever would work for her now.
If it’s about position, have sex the way she needs till she climaxes and then switch to what he prefers. For lighting, switch from total darkness to a candle. Switching up the order of sex might also be a solution.
If a man wants to address things like this, he should start by making it clear he is not willing to lessen sex for her. But if she can be flexible without it costing her, he’d like to try making some changes. If she occasionally wants to do something that doesn’t work for her out of love, he should accept that with gratitude and humility.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is an evolving dance.
Comes the rain!
I was a flatlander most of my life, but I have come to love the mountains.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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