by PAUL BYERLY | May 29, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fOjrt7
I don’t recall where I came across this quote:
You mustn’t force sex to do the work of love or love to do the work of sex. ~ Mary McCarthy
It’s simple, brilliant, and oh, so true. And those who try to help married couples run into folks doing this wrong all the time.
Sex is great. I think God intends a married couple to have sex regularly. And I know a healthy sex life helps a couple feel closer and can smooth out some bumps in the marriage. But no amount of sex will solve relationship issues. Or make them not matter.
You can possibly give a young man so much sex he will give you a pass on relationship issues for a time, but that won’t last forever.
The reverse is also true. Your marriage can’t be loving or supportive enough to make sex unnecessary or make it okay that you’re not having it. A person who has sublimated their sexuality might think that should be possible, but it’s not. Very, very few men would be okay with a sexless marriage, and not a lot of women would be okay with it either.
Good sex and a good relationship are related, but they are two things which are both needed for a healthy marriage.
When couples have problems, each may focus on the aspect they see as most important: one wanting to work on the relationship while the other wants to work on sex. And that disagreement just makes things worse.
You can’t have a truly good sex life with a poor relationship. And you can’t have a great relationship with a poor sex life. So what do you do?
In our experience, you find a way to have a functional sex life. That might look like intercourse once a week and something else when wanted by at least one spouse. Nothing fancy, just basic sex. With that done, you dig into the relationship and work hard to make it strong and healthy.
Often making the relationship good will improve sex without any effort. When this is not the case, you work on sex again after the relationship is solid.
If you and your wife are at cross purposes on your relationship and sex life, have a discussion about this way of dealing with both.
~ This is Paul, and Doing both Marriage & Sex Well can be a bit of a dance.
PS. Widget does what the dog in the image is doing all the time!
Hiding from the heat.
I need to get their shade cloth up.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 28, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/430qGqs
A study with a 22-word-long title “discovered” that romantic partners who feel uncertain about their relationship tend to experience more negative emotions during everyday conversations. Because it was an observational study, looking at recordings of couples, researchers were able to see things missed by surveys.
The researchers suggested that people who are unsure where they stand in their relationship don’t have a good framework to interpret their partner’s behaviour. In part this means not giving the benefit of the doubt. It also means confusion and concern, which fosters negative feelings and inhibits good communication.
The research also found that those who felt their partner helped them with their daily goals felt better during conversation with that partner. This occurred for both men and women but was stronger for women.
Reading all of this, you may be thinking, “Well, duh. If I treat them well and they feel secure in our relationship, anything we do together will go better.” All the study does is prove what we would assume is true.
That said, while it’s obvious, do we work to treat our spouse well and make them feel secure in our marriages? Knowing it would help is great, but if that doesn’t influence our actions, it’s useless knowledge.
Too often we act as if the various parts of our marriage are, or should be, separate. Being rude this morning was because I was tired and rushed. It didn’t mean anything, and my spouse shouldn’t still feel beat up by it at dinner. Yes, I got carried away and yelled at him for not taking out the trash. But that’s no reason for him to avoid conversation an hour later. Okay, I did ignore her most of the day. But that shouldn’t affect her interest in having sex at bedtime.
I hope when you read those, you saw how wrong they were. But have you ever acted that way? Do you want a pass on some of what you do? Do you want to be judged on your general character, with your bad behaviour being ignored?
Your marriage is not separate parts. Each part influences the others. Pretending otherwise will not work out well for you.
~ This is Paul, and we need to Do Marriage Well consistently.
The purple iris are finally blooming
Widget approves.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 27, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/43x5TLe
I have undiagnosed ADHD. Anyone who knows me is sure I have it. I suspect it shows up in my posts at times.
So I was interested when I saw a study entitled Preferences for social support and perceived support gaps among attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) adults. The short version is that ADHD folks in romantic relationships don’t feel they get the emotional help and support they desire from their partners. The researchers concluded that the specific cognitive and emotional patterns associated with ADHD can create unique challenges for navigating relationship support.
Individuals with ADHD often process information and regulate emotions differently than the general population. This means they may have different needs. It may also mean they don’t feel efforts that would be felt by a neurotypical spouse.
One big issue was how much support the individuals felt they got from their partner for the difficulties that come with ADHD. And most of them very much wanted help and support.
But I don’t want to make this all about ADHD. There are other forms of neurodivergence which can affect how a couple relates. The most obvious is being on the autism spectrum. But there are others we don’t tend to think about, such as dyslexia; dyscalculia, which is difficulty with numbers and understanding numerical information; and prosopagnosia, AKA face blindness. And others.
If you or your spouse’s brain diverges from the norm, that is going to be a factor in your marriage. Pretending it’s not there won’t make it go away. The better the other spouse understands the issue, the better they can relate and help. It’s not a ‘them thing’; it’s a marriage issue. And that makes it an ‘us thing’.
If you can find a couple where one spouse has the same issue, that may be particularly helpful.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well looks more different for some couples.
Resource: Two Different Brains in Love: Conflict Resolution in Neurodiverse Relationships ~ Gottman institute
The plant is comfrey. Chickens who eat it lay more eggs.
And it’s good for pigs too. I wonder if squirrels like it…
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 26, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Q5esK9
Think about those visions you have for your marriage. Are they dreams, goals, ambitions, aims, targets, or maybe even quests? (Hat tip to Jessica Stillman)
It would be more or less accurate to say those words are synonyms. But they actually mean different things. How we see our desires and how we present them to our spouse matters.
Dreams are long-term visions you kick around as “What if?” or “Could we?” “I dream of travelling the country someday,” for example. You both have a number of dreams, and you know many won’t come to pass.
Goals are things you are actively working towards. Such as saving for a down payment on a house. Or for an RV to travel the country.
Aims are a general direction or intent. These are the lifestyle intentions that guide your daily choices. “We aim to make our home a place of peace and hospitality.”
Ambitions are about an internal drive to achieve something significant. For example, building a family business that you can pass on to your children.
Targets are specific, often numerical, and generally short-term. Targets are the rungs on the ladder to a larger goal. So, for example, “Our target for this month is to have four tech-free date nights.” Or to get the RV running.
Quests are a transformative journey toward a noble or spiritual end. A quest is as much about the person you become along the way as the destination. For example, “Our quest is to foster children and provide a stable home for the vulnerable.”
A healthy marriage has all of these. And it’s important to know which are which and to be on the same page about them.
Lori tells the long version of the story of our time travelling the US by RV. Early in our marriage, I shared my dream of walking across America. Lori wasn’t into that. Later I suggested doing it by bike, something Lori was also not down with. However, at that point she realised this was an aim for me. When I suggested we do it by RV, she was good with that. It became a shared goal, and within the year we were doing it.
Communication along the way is how we got from my dream to our shared quest. And it’s how you do the same in your marriage. Identifying things as goals, ambitions or quests will help you. A couple might argue, for example, because one thinks they are discussing a “target” (immediate), while the other thinks it’s just a “dream” (theoretical).
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Speaking of fostering children, it’s been way too long since I mentioned the effort to build the Humphrey Family a home for their eight foster children. If you are looking for a good cause to support, check it out!
Widge is willing to share her duck, her favourite toy.
But if the puppy looks at her food dish, that is not okay!
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 25, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4nO3Iw3
I have a growing collection of bits that don’t warrant a full week. So I’m going to do those this week. To kick things off, let’s talk about venting.
Most of us have vented. And most of us have listened as our spouse vented. We think it helps, like releasing steam from a pressure cooker so it doesn’t explode. It’s cathartic; it helps us get it out of our system.
Only, it doesn’t. A growing number of studies find venting does nothing to reduce anger. Rather, it keeps us in “fight or flight” mode, which stresses our body and keeps inhibiting our ability to think clearly.
I should make an important distinction here. Reflection can help us understand why we got angry and can point to underlying issues in us that we should address. Additionally, reflection with another person can provide emotional validation, an important step towards processing emotions in a healthy way.
Venting, however, goes beyond reflection. It’s reliving, rehearsing, and rumination. It may be an effort to get someone to tell us our anger is okay. It’s looking to justify something that is unhealthy – if not wrong.
The effective way to reduce anger is to engage in activities that decrease arousal levels. Breathing exercises are one good option for reducing anger or frustration. A long hug is another.
Going for a run, however, is a bad choice. Because it increases arousal, it can actually make you angrier. Likewise for screaming or hitting a punching bag. On the other hand, a slow walk, especially with your spouse, is good if you don’t talk about what upset you. Or walk your dog or stroll through nature.
If the situation is something that requires a response from you, calming down first will help you see more clearly. And that can only help.
Finally, as a marriage issue, don’t ask or expect your husband or wife to validate your anger. Instead, ask them to help you calm down and deal with things from that place. Venting to, or around, your spouse can upset or hurt them.
~ This is Paul, and using your spouse as a verbal punching bag is not Doing Marriage Well.
You don’t have to be a master mechanic to know this is a problem!
We fight mice constantly.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 22, 2026 | Biases
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fACUNQ
Biases certainly mess with our sex lives. Nervousness, lack of sexual information, and difficulty communicating about sex all make it worse. Let’s look at a few common examples.
Frequency:
It’s been said if you want to know how often a couple has sex, you ask both of them and then average their answers. The higher-drive spouse tends to underestimate how often sex occurs, while the lower-drive one tends to overestimate frequency. Several of the biases I talked about this week are at play here.
The simple solution to this is to keep track. A smiley face on the calendar when you have sex, for example. The odds are you will both be surprised.
They Know I Wanted Sex:
If you send a hint you want sex, and sex does not occur, do you assume your spouse knew what you wanted and turned you down? Telling yourself they knew doesn’t mean they did. Even if they got the hint, they may think a hint indicates a weak desire, and that a strong desire would be expressed more openly.
You Loved Your Boyfriend More:
I’ve had a number of men complain their wives gave one or more boyfriends oral sex but won’t give it to hubby. Rather than seeing it as a good thing that she feels able to say no to a sex act she dislikes, most men take this as a slight.
You Signalled ‘No Sex Tonight”:
A spouse looking for sex may interpret certain words, phrases, or actions as a silent “Not tonight”. Phrases such as “I’m tired” or “I have a long day tomorrow” might be seen as “Don’t ask”. Ironically, they might be saying, “If you want sex, ask now, not later.”
What a spouse wears to bed may also be taken as a signal. If she usually comes to bed naked, does a nightgown mean “Forget it”? Or maybe it just means she’s cold! BTW, the opposite happens too, with less clothing being seen as a request for sex.
The Meaning of Her Orgasm:
Men ascribe all kinds of meaning to their wives having an orgasm. It means the sex was good. It means she is glad she had sex. It means their relationship is okay. The reality is orgasm is an involuntary reflex. Provide enough of the right stimulation, and it can happen even if she would rather not be having sex. And some women orgasm very easily.
Men also ascribe things to their wives not having an orgasm. It means she’s upset. It means she didn’t enjoy making love, never mind that she said she did. It means she is attracted to someone else. The reality is, for some women, orgasm is difficult. For some it takes a good deal of effort, which she might not be up to on some occasions. A woman’s cycle can also make orgasm difficult or nearly impossible at times. Understanding the biology helps us stop making it a ‘test’ of our worth as a lover or a spouse.
Biases will try to fill the vacuum when we lack information and communication. But they will give us more wrong ideas than right ones.
~ This is Paul, and biases interfere with Doing Sex Well.
The purple irises are about to open.
The yellow ones are two weeks ahead of them.
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