Podcast: https://bit.ly/42KK628
A note: This post did not go as I intended. But it’s the truth, and I think it’s what needs to be said. I pray those who should hear this will somehow come across it.
One of the things most often put up with in the bedroom is not enough sex. We think of this as a male issue, but in 20 to 25% of marriages, the wife says she wants more than she can get. Additionally, there are a growing number of couples where both would like sex more often but are too busy to make it happen.
The idea that what you put up with is what you live with is a big issue here. If you have accepted sex once a week for years, why should your spouse think you really need more?
What actually happens is the man or woman reaches a breaking point. They just can’t take it any more. And being in that place does not make it easy to have a calm, rational discussion. Years of frustration, anger, and feeling unloved are screaming to get out.
If your spouse wants more sex, please hear one thing. Virtually every man and woman we’ve heard talk about not having the sex they need, and we’ve talked to many, says they feel unloved because of it. I realise that is rarely the reason for the lack of sex, but if it’s nearly universally the message received, then it’s legitimate. And the solution is not to try and convince them you really do love them.
It’s rare a marriage ends just because of a lack of sex, but it’s a contributing factor far more often than most know. In various studies, 40 to 55% of those who sought a divorce said a lack of sex was a major contributing factor. That’s huge!
A lack of sex causes a couple to drift apart. It’s hard to be generous, much less to sacrifice, for someone you don’t feel loves you. Adultery becomes more likely not so much because of the lack of sex as the lack of intimacy and love. So it’s not just the lack of sex; it’s what a lack of sex does to the relationship
If there’s not enough sex in your marriage, that’s an emergency situation. An emergency means we act now, not that it’s too late. The fact that the spouse unhappy with that has put up with it for years doesn’t make it less of an emergency. At best you stay together as your relationship becomes more like that of roommates. At worst, your spouse reaches the end of their tolerance and leaves. If that happens, you have virtually no chance of fixing the marriage, as it means their love for you is dead.
I know there are all kinds of reasons why sex is difficult and you can’t do any more. And I know none of that will save your relationship or reduce the odds of divorce. If you care about your spouse or your marriage, please get help. If your spouse is part of why you don’t say yes more often, then make it clear they need to work on that.
~ This is Paul, and often saying no to sex is not Doing Marriage Well.
And we have turkeys!
These three were put in the incubator together. Ten more were added as they were laid.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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I love this post in particular. One thing that I would add is that this discussion needs to happen multiple times while you are engaged, even before the wedding. You need to sit down with your future spouse, and have a heart to heart talk that is ongoing. What does sex mean to you? What does making love mean, and what does that look like? How frequently do you want to have sex, and what would it look like if you were constantly rejected? This is probably one of the most significant areas that an engaged couple should prioritize before the marriage. I will say, sex is a more powerful drive even than hunger for food. That Drive for sex will eventually be fulfilled, either in marriage legitimately, or in an affair if the marriage partner does not engage. If an engaged couple cannot agree on their values in this area, they would be wise to either get third-party counseling before they walk down the aisle, or call things off.
@Jes – Right there with you!