Podcast: https://bit.ly/490XVgP
Friends are the first port of call when things get rocky, but they can be your greatest asset or your biggest liability.
On the positive side, you know them, and they know you. You know they’re on your side. You probably have a feel for their discretion, or lack thereof.
On the negative side, they may be swayed by what they already know of your marriage and their friendship with you. If you say something ugly about your spouse, will they push back? If it’s evident you are in the wrong, will they tell you that?
Sometimes when we turn to friends for “help”, what we really want is someone to tell us it’s not us; it’s our spouse. We want them to listen to us complain and then tell us how great we are and how horrible our spouse is.
The really ugly version of this for women is a group who get together to bad-mouth their husbands and slowly talk each other into getting a divorce. The male version is griping about sex and telling each other it’s understandable, if not acceptable, to turn to porn or another woman.
If you’re going to seek help from a friend, make it just one friend. It should be a spiritually mature friend with a better than average marriage. Confidentiality is a must. You want someone who won’t hold a grudge against your spouse when they hear about wrongs done to you. A friend who won’t challenge you is not a friend of your marriage, and that is what you need. Having overcome something similar to what your marriage is struggling with is a huge plus.
Friend help can also be done on the couple level. The first time Lori and I did this was at the request of a couple a few years younger than ourselves. We were barely past our own troubles and had no idea how to help others. But we agreed to spend time with them and talk about marriage. A year later I overheard the wife tell someone we had saved their marriage from divorce.
With that story in mind, if you have a good marriage, be willing to help others. You don’t need experience or training to come alongside and help. But do be ready to say, “That is out of my depth; you need someone else,” if it comes to that.
~ This is Paul, and friends help friends Do Marriage Well!
Tilly is despondent because she’s been displaced.
She has been sleeping in the loft, where Widget does not go. But it’s gotten hot enough we had to fire up the whole house fan, and she doesn’t like the noise.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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