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The second level of getting help is someone at your church. That could be your pastor or some other leader or individual who is recognised by the church.
When I asked about getting marriage help on the TMB message boards, several folks questioned the qualifications of pastors. Others didn’t feel comfortable sharing about their marriage, and especially their sex life, with their pastor.
The first is a valid concern. Many pastors have received little or no training for counselling in general, much less marriage issues. Beyond that, statistically, pastors have far worse marriages and sex lives than the majority of their congregants. I know exceptions to that, but they are, sadly, exceptions.
I can understand feeling uncomfortable listening to your pastor give a sermon when he knows all your dirty laundry. But pastors are generally very good at keeping things private. Still, if it will hinder you or your spouse, that makes it a no-go choice
Larger churches, and some medium-sized ones, have people in the church who have been vetted and possibly given some training. This can be an excellent option. You can be sure what is said won’t conflict with your faith, and it will probably be free or very low cost.
Privacy may feel like a concern, but if the church backs it, that should not be an issue. Some churches may expect some minor feedback from those doing marriage work with people, especially if those being coached are in leadership. This should be disclosed at your first meeting, and you can certainly ask.
It’s unlikely this kind of help will come with credentials or licensing. Don’t let that stop you. Many couples have found great help from laypeople. There are issues that are beyond such help, but those situations are uncommon.
One other form of church-based help is a small group focused on marriage. Often they work through a marriage book. I’ve seen some amazing things happen in such groups. Over time you grow to know and care about each other. Once I was in such a group where a wife said, “I need to say something to my husband in front of all of you.” They had a very difficult talk as we all sat and prayed. This resulted in a great breakthrough for them. Maybe she would have eventually been able to have the discussion without the group, and maybe it would have gone okay. But it happened sooner and worked out better because of the group.
When we meet together in the name of Jesus, He is there, and good things happen!
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well may require you going beyond the two of you.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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