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Getting third-party help for sexual issues is possible, but it can feel scary or embarrassing. However, if your sex life has any real ongoing problems, I want to encourage you to find help.
My first suggestion is The Marriage Bed forum. For 27 years we have offered a safe place for Christians to talk about sex. There are likely things discussed there that you don’t want to even know about, but you can pick and choose what you read. We debate the rightness or wrongness of various things, but clear sin is not okay. The forums are a great place to look for answers or ask for a bit of help.
What about friends? Are they a valid resource for sex help? They can be, but be careful. Your sex life with your spouse should be private, and sharing it with a friend is tricky. Would your spouse be upset or embarrassed if they knew what you talked about? Beyond that, your friends have limited experience. Sex is very individual, and what Chris and Sam think is amazing might not be for you and your spouse.
Church-based help is iffy. A lot of churches won’t even acknowledge married couples have sex. When Lori and I sought help for our sex life at church 40 years ago, we were told, “It will work itself out.” It didn’t. If there is someone willing to help, a lack of experience may be an issue here too. See what is said as one of many valid ways to make sex good.
Professional help deals with the lack of experience if the individual has been trained about sexuality. This is one place where having a Christian is vital. You don’t want suggestions to use porn, or to try an open marriage!
I’ve talked to people who have gone years without intercourse, which they both wanted, because of an issue that could have been easily fixed. I hate that! Sex is not just sex; it’s an important part of marriage. I’ve heard both men and women talk about how their relationship suffered in non-sexual ways when they were unable to have sex for a protracted time.
There is help; please don’t suffer in silence.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well helps you Do Marriage Well.
The orange blob lower left is a gold fish.
We stocked the pond last year, and at least a few made it through the winter.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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This has actually been something of a concern for me for some time now. Whenever I have suggested professional help regarding our sex life, it is always met with, “the relationship is the problem. Fix the relationship and the sex will work itself out.” When asked what I can do to work on the relationship, she usually has no specific answer. Just, keep working on it. While our sex life is gradually improving, it certainly isn’t going anywhere fast.
On the other hand, the Lord answered a major prayer about which I wasn’t even sure how I should pray. Her doctor (that itself is an answer to prayer, as she has gone years without a doctor due to a negative experience in another state) suggested that she start treatment to keep her hormone levels at optimal. I’ve heard of doctors concerned only with “normal” which is apparently nowhere near optimal most times. The Lord gave her a doctor that shoots for optimal! Never met the woman but I pray the Lord blesses her! Thank the Lord for helping us when we have no idea what to do or even pray!
@Pa’dam – Have you suggested getting help for the relationship?
Yes, and we did for a while. Because I was in the Army at the beginning of the process, that meant that we changed counselors a few times.
Eventually, we started virtual counseling with a man who believes the things we were taught growing up. That made him ideal for my wife and created a bit of friction at times when he wanted to hold me to standards I didn’t see as Biblical but it did help overall.
I needed to be held accountable and I needed to take a second look at some of what I believed at the time. I was still battling pornography addiction and I have since realized just how much it changes the way your mind works and makes it difficult to think clearly. Since the Lord helped me to finally kick that, much has become clear that wasn’t and that really helped.
By then, however, much damage had been done. Healing our relationship has been a years long process and the fact that taking another look at what I believed and why didn’t return me to what we were taught growing up has been difficult for her to work around.
As she still strongly feels that what we were taught growing up is what she should be doing, she struggles to accept that I don’t. It does not matter that I am fine with her living like that as her personal convictions. To me, it is often obvious that much of the supporting Scripture had to be taken out of context and twisted to make it say what we were taught and she takes it personally that I see it that way.
Worse, of course, is that when these things come up in conversation with our children (now ages 17 and up), I explain things as I see them to be rather than how we were raised. She takes it hard that I do not simply teach what we were taught as Biblical.
All of that is beyond the question, I know, but it is current events and pressing heavy on my heart right now. As I said, I have nothing against anyone living by those rules as personal convictions. I just cannot teach them as Biblical when I do not feel that they are. I would really appreciate prayer on this. I need wisdom and discernment on how to be the husband and father God wants me to be.
Back to the question, we are not currently in counseling. She very much favored that last counselor who took us as far as he felt he was qualified and she has no interest in starting over with a new counselor. We have discussed it different times and she is unwilling. She does periodically still consult with him when things get particularly rocky but that is as much as she will do at this time.
@Pa’dam – Theological differences can be a major issue. Certainly adds to the difficulty.
Indeed. I am sad that she can’t see the manipulation of Scripture to make it say what they want but she is hurt that I no longer believe what we were raised to believe. It’s a sad state of affairs and definitely makes healing more challenging.