Podcast: https://bit.ly/3R9ef99

Today’s cognitive biases are Fundamental Attribution Error & Self-Serving Bias.

Fundamental Attribution Error is the tendency to attribute your own negative actions to external circumstances, while attributing your partner’s behaviour to their character.  

So when you’re rude, it’s because you were stressed or rushed. When she’s rude, it’s because she’s selfish. If he leaves the dishes undone, it’s because he’s lazy. If you leave them undone, it’s because you had a horrible day or you’re getting sick. When you’re late, it’s due to unforeseen traffic. When your spouse is late, it’s because they are unreliable or refuse to keep track of time. When you don’t want to talk, it’s because you had a mentally exhausting day and need space. When they don’t want to talk, they are grumpy or don’t care about you.

In short, we give ourselves every possible benefit of the doubt, plus a few that are questionable. But we don’t cut our spouse much, if any, slack. We’re better than them, and they need to step up their game! The result is in anger and a sense of betrayal. 

A way to challenge this is to try to find valid reasons. So, for example, the next time your spouse is late, try to invent three ‘external’ excuses for them (traffic, a last-minute phone call, a lost key) instead of a ‘character’ flaw.

Self-Serving Bias is a tendency to take credit for successes while blaming our spouse for failures. It can also manifest as minimising your mistakes while exaggerating those of your spouse. 

When your marriage gets better, it’s because of the hard work you’ve put in. When your relationship suffers, it’s because of what your spouse has been doing wrong. You see the things you do around the house as more difficult or more important than the things your partner does. Arguments are always her fault, never your fault. When he hurts you, you’re a victim. When you hurt him, he needs to stop being so sensitive. 

This bias can make your spouse feel unseen, unheard, or unfairly blamed. It undermines compassion and trust.

Both of the biases are based on retelling the facts to make ourselves better and our spouse worse. This is normal human behaviour we use to protect ourselves. But being normal doesn’t make it right. Nor does it keep it from hurting our spouse and our marriage.

Being able to accurately see ourselves and what we do is far more difficult than it should be. But it’s necessary for a healthy, growing marriage. One way to work on this is to ask a trusted friend to get in your business and tell you when they think you’re being unfair.

~ This is Paul, and seeing yourself honestly makes it so much easier to Do Marriage Well.

Lori is well loved.

And silly.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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