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Biases certainly mess with our sex lives. Nervousness, lack of sexual information, and difficulty communicating about sex all make it worse. Let’s look at a few common examples.
Frequency:
It’s been said if you want to know how often a couple has sex, you ask both of them and then average their answers. The higher-drive spouse tends to underestimate how often sex occurs, while the lower-drive one tends to overestimate frequency. Several of the biases I talked about this week are at play here.
The simple solution to this is to keep track. A smiley face on the calendar when you have sex, for example. The odds are you will both be surprised.
They Know I Wanted Sex:
If you send a hint you want sex, and sex does not occur, do you assume your spouse knew what you wanted and turned you down? Telling yourself they knew doesn’t mean they did. Even if they got the hint, they may think a hint indicates a weak desire, and that a strong desire would be expressed more openly.
You Loved Your Boyfriend More:
I’ve had a number of men complain their wives gave one or more boyfriends oral sex but won’t give it to hubby. Rather than seeing it as a good thing that she feels able to say no to a sex act she dislikes, most men take this as a slight.
You Signalled ‘No Sex Tonight”:
A spouse looking for sex may interpret certain words, phrases, or actions as a silent “Not tonight”. Phrases such as “I’m tired” or “I have a long day tomorrow” might be seen as “Don’t ask”. Ironically, they might be saying, “If you want sex, ask now, not later.”
What a spouse wears to bed may also be taken as a signal. If she usually comes to bed naked, does a nightgown mean “Forget it”? Or maybe it just means she’s cold! BTW, the opposite happens too, with less clothing being seen as a request for sex.
The Meaning of Her Orgasm:
Men ascribe all kinds of meaning to their wives having an orgasm. It means the sex was good. It means she is glad she had sex. It means their relationship is okay. The reality is orgasm is an involuntary reflex. Provide enough of the right stimulation, and it can happen even if she would rather not be having sex. And some women orgasm very easily.
Men also ascribe things to their wives not having an orgasm. It means she’s upset. It means she didn’t enjoy making love, never mind that she said she did. It means she is attracted to someone else. The reality is, for some women, orgasm is difficult. For some it takes a good deal of effort, which she might not be up to on some occasions. A woman’s cycle can also make orgasm difficult or nearly impossible at times. Understanding the biology helps us stop making it a ‘test’ of our worth as a lover or a spouse.
Biases will try to fill the vacuum when we lack information and communication. But they will give us more wrong ideas than right ones.
~ This is Paul, and biases interfere with Doing Sex Well.
The purple irises are about to open.
The yellow ones are two weeks ahead of them.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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