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I have a growing collection of bits that don’t warrant a full week. So I’m going to do those this week. To kick things off, let’s talk about venting.
Most of us have vented. And most of us have listened as our spouse vented. We think it helps, like releasing steam from a pressure cooker so it doesn’t explode. It’s cathartic; it helps us get it out of our system.
Only, it doesn’t. A growing number of studies find venting does nothing to reduce anger. Rather, it keeps us in “fight or flight” mode, which stresses our body and keeps inhibiting our ability to think clearly.
I should make an important distinction here. Reflection can help us understand why we got angry and can point to underlying issues in us that we should address. Additionally, reflection with another person can provide emotional validation, an important step towards processing emotions in a healthy way.
Venting, however, goes beyond reflection. It’s reliving, rehearsing, and rumination. It may be an effort to get someone to tell us our anger is okay. It’s looking to justify something that is unhealthy – if not wrong.
The effective way to reduce anger is to engage in activities that decrease arousal levels. Breathing exercises are one good option for reducing anger or frustration. A long hug is another.
Going for a run, however, is a bad choice. Because it increases arousal, it can actually make you angrier. Likewise for screaming or hitting a punching bag. On the other hand, a slow walk, especially with your spouse, is good if you don’t talk about what upset you. Or walk your dog or stroll through nature.
If the situation is something that requires a response from you, calming down first will help you see more clearly. And that can only help.
Finally, as a marriage issue, don’t ask or expect your husband or wife to validate your anger. Instead, ask them to help you calm down and deal with things from that place. Venting to, or around, your spouse can upset or hurt them.
~ This is Paul, and using your spouse as a verbal punching bag is not Doing Marriage Well.
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Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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I totally agree that venting about someone else’s actions and imagined motivations is unhealthy and unhelpful.
We can also suppress our pain, at least until we can’t and it explodes over the people we love. Or gets internalized and eats us alive.
I suggest we need to learn to process our emotions in a healthy way that gets them out of our mind and body. It can be healthy to talk about the pain, anger, and shame we experience in a situation instead of making it about the other person’s actions and motives.