by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 30, 2026 | Sound Relationships
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Re1fzf
In his sermon, Sean asked three questions. I am rephrasing them to make them just about marriage, but they apply to any close relationship. Today the first question
“Ask yourself if, in the last 2 weeks, have you emotionally checked out of your marriage under the guise of protecting it, becoming passive or non-responsive to your spouse.”
A specific example Sean gave is excellent:
“For example, wives washing their hands of their husbands’ decisions. I’ve heard many Christian women say some version of ‘It’s his decision; I’m just the wife and I’m just submitting to his leadership in the home.’ This pretends that God appointed you as that man’s wife to do whatever he says while withholding your wisdom, courage, concern, and honest counsel. Our role as husband and wife is to represent Christ’s relationship with the Church, which is marked by servanthood, longsuffering, and a lifetime of care.”
Another version of this one is disengaging to “protect their feelings”. If what you think would hurt their feelings is the truth, then your spouse needs to hear it. If you can’t share it in love, that’s your failing and has nothing to do with them.
Usually we do this just to avoid a fight. If it’s a fight you’ve had over and over, then you need to get some third-party help with it. If it’s a fight you’ve never had, or stopped having a good while ago, then you need to deal with it. Avoiding the truth to avoid hurt feelings is neither loving nor biblical.
Avoiding a conversation by saying, ‘I can’t talk about this with you.’ is also unacceptable. ‘I can’t talk about it now‘, or ‘I need some time to think about it before we talk‘ are fine, as long as you come back around to it. Communication is the lifeblood of relationships, and cutting communication off in the name of protecting the relationship is contrary to that truth.
Going back to the passage, King David’s refusal to engage cost him and those around him a great deal. Among other things, it cost him the lives of the sons he refused to engage. Refusing to engage with your spouse will harm your marriage, and it could lead to its death.
Ask yourself, have you emotionally checked out of your marriage in any way? Are there conversations you have avoided that you need to have?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires engaging your spouse.
The first daylily!
With many more to come.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 29, 2026 | Sound Relationships
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4g7VJbD
I’m borrowing some brilliant insights this week from my friend, fellow marriage coach, and fellow elder Sean. On Sunday Sean preached on 2 Samuel 15:1-12. He used it to talk about dysfunctional families and marriages. I only yelled “Amen” once, but I was right with him on everything he said. (You can watch the sermon, if you like.)
The passage talks about how Absalom starts to build a rebellion against his father David’s rule as king. David and Absalom had a dysfunctional relationship of epic proportions, and we can learn what not to do from them.
The problems started when Amnon, David’s firstborn son, became obsessed with his half-sister Tamar, eventually raping her. Absalom, third-born son and full brother of Tamar, took care of her. But David did nothing. No justice. No consequences. David failed both as a father and king by ignoring the crime.
Two years later, Absalom invited all the king’s sons to a sheep-shearing celebration and had Amnon killed when he was drunk. Absalom then fled to his maternal grandfather’s kingdom of Geshur – where he stayed for three years. Joab uses deception to get David to agree to let Absalom come home, but David refuses to see his son. Based on the law, both Amnon and Absalom should have been put to death for their actions. But David refused to take action.
Ignoring problems does not make them go away. Neither does it usually lessen them. Usually ignored problems grow. The hurt becomes stronger over time. Others are pulled in, either because they see injustice or because they care about the person who has been mistreated. Absalom had his brother killed because David ignored Amnon’s crime. And in time Absalom tried to overthrow his father’s kingdom because David avoided him.
Odds are none of your family relations are as horrific as Absalom’s. But probably some wrongs done to you have been ignored or downplayed, and that has led to injuries and resentment and may have resulted in strained or broken relationships. If you have children, you have on occasion failed to deal with things as you should have, leaving injury and resentment and possibly damage to your relationship.
Before I focus on marriage the rest of the week, I want to encourage you to think about your relationships with your family. Are there issues that should be addressed? Is there a relationship that needs to be repaired? Whether you are the victim or the one who failed, please make an effort to fix things. Problems with parents or kids hurt everyone involved and harm our marriages. Set aside your pride and make an effort.
~ This is Paul, and healthy family relationships make Doing Marriage Well easier.
It is once again turtle walkabout season.
It comes with a lot of barking from the dogs.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 26, 2026 | Generosity
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xMY7L4
Some of you have been looking forward to me talking about being sexually generous. Others have been dreading it – or may be skipping this post.
Of course everything I said about generosity the last four days applies to sex. But being generous about sex applies to both a spouse who avoids sex and to one who wants more. For the latter, being sexually generous will sometimes mean not asking for sex, or even turning down an offer. If your spouse is tired or stressed, and sex will make it worse, then going without is both loving and generous.
But I want to go somewhere else with today’s post.
When I married Lori, my mother took her aside and said, “You don’t have to have sex every day.” The message was clear: you do not have to be generous in this area. What’s more, if you give him all he wants, you are letting him use you.
Most new brides don’t get “permission” from their mother-in-law to be sexually selfish, but many get an unspoken message to that effect. And while the church is getting better, many women are told by the world that they should only have sex when and how they want it. It is called ‘self-empowerment’ or ‘owning your sexuality’, but that does not change the fact that only doing what you want is the definition of selfishness.
But it’s not just women. Men are also encouraged to be sexually selfish. We are told to ask for what we want and not take no for an answer. Never mind that what we want offends our wife, causes her pain, or makes it impossible for her to enjoy sex. All of that is her stuff, and she needs to get over it and give us what we are entitled to because she married us.
The dearth of sexual generosity in marriages is because we have been told it’s okay to be sexually selfish. This results in people who are generous in other areas feeling just fine being selfish about sex.
Are you doing this to your spouse? Should you give more? Or maybe you need to push less. Ask God to nudge you if you should make some changes.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well means being generous.
Saw a 22-degree solar halo today
It persisted for a couple of hours.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 25, 2026 | Generosity
Podcast: https://bit.ly/43QTAtw
Would proof that generosity is good for your marriage encourage you to be more generous? If so, this post is for you.
The Survey of Marital Generosity talked to 1,365 couples. They found that generosity was positively associated with marital satisfaction and negatively associated with marital conflict and a perceived likelihood of divorce. The study defined generosity as small acts of kindness, displays of respect and affection, and a willingness to forgive one’s spouse his or her faults and failings.
When Baby Makes Three, the 2011 State of Our Unions, a report from the National Marriage Project, went further. The authors of the study said, “Generosity is an important and sometimes overlooked dimension of marriage and family life.” Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things freely and abundantly” and was seen played out in specific ways:
- Small acts of service
- The expression of affection
- Displays of respect
- A willingness to forgive mistakes and failings
This study listed generosity as the third most important predictor in its top five predictors of marital happiness. In marriages where generosity was below average, only 14% of husbands and wives said they were “very happy” in their marriage. In marriages where generosity was above average, 46% of husbands and 50% of wives said they were “very happy” in their marriage.
Yet another study found that “religiosity” is positively associated with marital generosity. So those who follow Jesus have a leg up on this. The same study determined that the most potent predictor of generosity was spouses personally dedicated to their partner and to continuing the relationship.
These reports suggest to me that a solid path to wedded bliss may be found by embracing an ethic of generosity that encompasses a spirit of service, frequent displays of affection, and a willingness to forgive the faults and failings of one’s spouse.
To get started, pick one of the study’s four pillars – an act of service, an expression of affection, a display of respect, or letting a minor mistake go, and do it before the sun goes down.
~ This is Paul, and the data shows generosity is at the heart of Doing Marriage Well.
A dump trailer of sand is hours of fun for the grandkids!
Eventually it goes in the bird barns for cleaner feet and fewer mice.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 24, 2026 | Generosity
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3SZpwJN
Effective generosity is more than just giving.
If you’re allergic to peanuts, giving you unlimited peanut butter and jam sandwiches is not a blessing. If you greatly prefer orange marmalade to grape jam, then giving you two peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwiches feels more generous than giving you half a dozen peanut butter and grape jam sandwiches.
But it’s tricky…
The first problem is we assume everyone is like we are. I think orange marmalade is amazing, especially the slightly bitter French version, made with Seville oranges and cane sugar. My wife, however, is not a fan. She is okay with the sweeter American version, but it’s well down her list of jams. Giving her what I prefer would not be generous, as she wouldn’t care for it.
The second problem is that what our spouse most wants may not be easy. French orange marmalade is not found at most stores where we live. If my wife wants to bless me with a jar for my birthday, she has to shop around or go online and allow for shipping time. Grabbing a jar of what is at the local grocery will not bless me nearly as much.
Real marital generosity is about giving what our spouse most wants. Doing that requires becoming an expert on your spouse. You would think this would be easy, but it usually isn’t.
Some folks are bad at sharing what they want. Some were taught it’s selfish to ask for things or to even want things. Others fear that exposing their desires makes them vulnerable. Some feel embarrassed about some of what they like and are afraid others will think it’s silly. The man who gets socks for every holiday may have done this to himself by being unwilling or unable to tell people what he would like as gifts.
There are also people who don’t know what they want, or are unable to admit to themselves what they want. They may express no preferences, or they may come up with a short list they feed to those who ask, but they really don’t know.
Watch your spouse. What causes them to light up? What makes them happy? What commercials or ads hold their attention a bit longer? What activities engage them better? Even if they don’t see it, you can find things that they enjoy and work to give them more of those things.
~ This is Paul, and giving what is most wanted is Doing Marriage Well.
Widge is an expert at keeping cool
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 23, 2026 | Generosity
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4w8w0Vh
Generosity is one of the best things you can do for your marriage. It can also be exceptionally difficult.
The key to doing it well is being consistent. Just being generous when things are going well and you feel good about life isn’t worth much. It’s nice, but it’s not marriage-changing. But being generous when you feel tried, stressed, or just blah is hard. Giving when you want to receive and reaching out when you want to be left alone take substantial effort and commitment.
Of course your mood and other things will influence how generous you are. This can’t be avoided. But you can set a minimum and fight to meet that regardless. Then when life is great, you can be even more generous. Doing this requires making a commitment to do it.
The other struggle is being generous to your spouse when what they deserve, based on their words and behaviour, is not generosity. Being generous when they have been rude, selfish, or distant isn’t just difficult; it feels wrong! It feels like you’re rewarding their bad behaviour. Why would you want to do that?
The Bible tells us God loved us when we were unloveable. I realise He’s God and we’re not, but we are still called to be like Him. And we are promised He will help us if we call out to Him.
I suspect we sometimes don’t seek God’s help because we really don’t want to do it. We don’t want to be generous when our spouse has been selfish. We don’t want to give anything to them when they have refused to give us what we want and need.
Again, it takes a commitment. We must decide our spouse deserves generosity because we have said they do. It’s not a reward for what they do. It’s not a quid pro quo; it’s what we have decided to do. It’s not about them; it’s about us.
Of course, you have to protect yourself and not give more than you can handle. But with God’s help, you can choose to walk in abundant generosity for your spouse. And that will bring about amazing things.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Went under the house for potatoes for the last planting.
They had started growing. Not a problem; it just means they have a head start!
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