Podcast: https://bit.ly/4x1qF39
Let’s look at some reasons we don’t make changes we want to make or know we need to make.
I Don’t Deserve Better: Most folks who feel this way don’t say it out loud, and may not even say it in their minds. But on some level they have been told they are worthless and don’t deserve good things. And they have accepted that as truth. We don’t fight for what we think we do not deserve and may even sabotage it if it starts to happen.
Identity: We are identified by what we do and don’t do. Making changes to our actions changes how we see ourselves and how others see us. This can be challenging. Making changes can feel like taking off a mask we’ve worn for years; it’s terrifying to wonder if our spouse will like the person underneath.”
Beyond that, human nature means you will get push-back when you change who you are. Even when the change benefits someone, or they have asked for it, they may fight it. People fight your change for the five reasons I’m discussing in the post.
Failure: Fear of failure keeps us from trying. Having tried and failed in the past can make this one very powerful.
Loss: Change can mean less of something or giving something up. Sometimes this means you give something up; other times others stop giving or doing something. Our fear of others changing how they treat us can be a big roadblock to change. We’d rather be unhappy but stable than risk a season of conflict.
Comfortable with the Status Quo: We have a sad ability to feel comfortable in a mess we dislike.
I once talked with a man having marriage issues. I pointed out some things he was doing that were killing his marriage. He agreed those things were wrong and harmful to his marriage. When I talked about making changes, he was unwilling.
He didn’t like how his marriage was, but he understood it and found it comfortable. He wanted his wife to change in the ways he wanted, without him having to change. And yes, his marriage ended.
Reread the list and ask yourself which of these you see yourself doing. How can you do better?
If you’re aware of your spouse doing any of these things, is there a way you can support or encourage them?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The hatched turkeys are in their next home.
The adults are on the other side of the wire, so they get to know each other.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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