Podcast: https://bit.ly/4o1tTzs
When it comes to changes to marriage, I often hear “I can’t change my spouse.”
First, this is not so. If you stop doing laundry, or taking out the trash, or anything else your spouse counts on you to do, the dynamic of who does chores will change. If you change how you react to silence, grumpyness, or anger, your spouse will likely also make changes. Maybe not the changes you would like, but you can work with movement.
Marriage is an interplay of what one does and how the other responds. When either changes, that causes changes in the other. Keep doing what you have been, and nothing will change. Mix it up, and you might get a better response.
For example: If you don’t feel you get enough of your spouse’s attention, you may be complaining about that or demanding they give you time. Instead, try making small bids to connect. Share a funny video, or suggest a short walk. Briefly share something that happened during your day, or ask about their day. When you move from demanding to inviting, your spouse may change.
Second, you don’t have to change your spouse to change yourself. You can choose to do what is right and healthy, regardless of what your spouse does. And you can choose to walk away when your spouse does something that is wrong or unhealthy.
“But that will make my spouse mad!” you protest. It well may. It may. But putting up with unhealthy things is not helping your marriage, and it’s a bad choice on your part. Choosing to disengage when your spouse attacks you shows you will no longer put up with wrong or unhealthy behaviour. Yes, that may bring about a conflict, which is an opportunity for you to clarify things. And that’s a starting place.
You can’t change your spouse, but you can choose to not engage with their unhealthy behaviours. And that will change them. It may not be the change you want, but if they get mad that you won’t put up with being treated wrong, that just shows you how bad the situation has become. Pointing out the irony that they are angry because you won’t accept being mistreated might be a powerful wake-up call.
Of course, you’re not perfect. So be honest with yourself about where you’re treating your spouse wrong, and deal with that.
Additionally, find some small ways to bless your spouse. Bring them a drink or a snack. Give them a foot rub. Thank or compliment them. Do these things regularly, regardless of how your spouse is being. Treat them the way you would if they were more as you would like them to be, and see if they become more that way in time.
What change do you need to make?
~ This is Paul, and sometimes Doing Marriage Well means pulling back.
Widget inspects one of our Douglas Fir trees.
It was about eight inches when we put it in the ground.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
