Podcast: https://bit.ly/3RQ98Lc

The bottom line is if you don’t like how your life or marriage is, you have to do something about it. The life and marriage you have are largely based on your choices, and if you don’t make changes, you’re choosing to keep having the same thing.

And all too often that ends badly.

We’ve watched couples divorce because one spouse is done. They don’t care anymore. Often they care so little they aren’t even mad any more. They no longer expect their spouse’s love and no longer want it either. Some seek help to check that box, but they are past the point where it can do any good. Short of a miracle, you can’t heal what’s dead.

These folks have decided they will no longer accept how things have been, and their solution is to walk away.

What drives me crazy is most of these same people would not have been willing to try to change their marriage a couple of years earlier. Some would have felt it was too much work. Others feared it would have hurt too much. Still others would have been afraid it would end their marriage.

Let me assure you, divorce is painful, and it can be a lot of work. And while some feel real relief, there is always pain and difficulty. Especially when there are children. It’s a painful irony to avoid the work that could save your marriage out of fear it might end it.

All of this is to encourage you to do the hard work of transformation before you reach the “I’m done” phase. This is owning your life. Doing nothing until you feel jumping ship is the only option is letting life happen to you.

The issue then is being honest with yourself. If your marriage continues as it is, will you reach a point where you don’t care? As you consider that, realise unhealthy marriages don’t continue as they are. If you don’t work to improve it, an unhappy marriage will get steadily worse. Perhaps you can live with what you have now. But can you live with how it will be in five years?

Are you headed for problems if there is no change?

If so, I suggest you work on lists of dealmakers, things you must have to keep caring about your marriage, and dealbreakers, things that will kill your marriage. What must your marriage have for you to stay engaged? What will kill your marriage? A dealmaker might be “We prioritise regular time together” and/or regular sex. A dealbreaker might be things such as contempt or constant criticism. Don’t rush doing this; make the lists, then set them aside for a day and come back to it. 

Once you have them, look at the lists critically. Are there any must-haves missing? Are there dealbreakers present? If you don’t choose to deal with those things, you are choosing to sit by while your marriage grows worse and possibly dies.

Pick one item and work on it. Start with something that seems easy, probably one where you can make significant changes on your own.

Yes, this will be difficult. And it will be painful. Divorce is more difficult and more painful. 

~ This is Paul, and everyone has different dealmakers and dealbreakers.

We had turkey eggs for lunch.

Tastes very much like chicken eggs. But way harder to break.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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