Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vHoXmd
This week we’re talking about broken behaviours: ways we tolerate being mistreated by our spouse. Today’s broken behaviour is allowing their unfair tactics to work.
When I was in high school, my girlfriend once tried to manipulate me by hinting she might kill herself if I didn’t do what she wanted. I knew it was a tactic; she had issues, but she was not suicidal. I got very upset, told her to knock it off, and said if she ever tried that again, we were done. Then I left. We never discussed it, and she never tried that tactic again. I wish I’d been as smart or brave about her other tactics, but that’s another story.
The point is I was unwilling to tolerate what she did, and my refusal meant she never did it again. Jumping on it the first time she tried it was the key here. If I had tried the same with something she had done many times, her reaction would not have been the same. Especially if her tactic had worked in the past.
While that happened in a teenage relationship, the exact same dynamics play out in long-term marriages. Allowing a tactic to manipulate you is a broken behaviour. If you have walked in that for a while, your spouse will not make it easy for you to change because they don’t want to lose something that works for them.
A common version of this is anger. You do or suggest doing something they don’t like, and they get angry. Or you say you won’t do what they want, and you get blasted. It might be subtle, or it could be full-on screaming. Or you might get the silent treatment until you comply. If you resist, the anger intensifies.
If your spouse’s anger has ever turned physically abusive, you need to be out of the house. But more often anger is a tactic. The solution here is to walk away. Saying something such as “We can talk when you calm down” is appropriate, but it will probably increase their anger. If they follow you, and continue to attack or yell, walk outside. Or call someone on your phone; odds are they won’t want others to hear them scream at you.
A related tactic is threats. These can range from self-harm to breaking things to telling lies about you or refusing to do things they normally do. Some will threaten divorce, or leaving, or taking the children.
The difficulty here is knowing if the threats are empty. When my girlfriend hinted she’d hurt herself, I was sure she was not suicidal. Had I been unsure, I’d have dealt with it differently; I’d have told her mother and pressed to get her help. That would have been the end of it if it were a tactic or helped her if it were more than that.
If you think your spouse will go through with any serious threat, you need third-party help. Having a recording of them making the threats may be helpful. Do check local laws before you do that. Pulling out your phone and saying “I’m recording this” should cover you, as you have given notice. If being recorded changes them, you know they’re not out of control and are employing a tactic.
Threatening divorce is hurtful and unacceptable. If your spouse does that, it’s your sign to walk away. I’d suggest not returning to the original issue until you get third-party help with the divorce threat issue.
None of this is fun; in fact it can be brutal. But the longer you put up with it, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to deal with it.
~ This is Paul, and sometimes Doing Marriage Well is difficult.
We are getting way too many eggs. So we’re going to freeze-dry some.
First they have to be frozen. Come out like orange pucks!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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